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Episode 7 – Geniuses at Work

Swiss und Harms – Zwischen Tour und Angel

 

 (translator’s note: in German you literally say, “between door and hinge” for “in passing,” they altered it to “between tour and hinge”)

 

Description of the episode:

Episode 7 is simply magical. You can listen to the two protagonists as they produce their podcast jingle live on air. Well, maybe with a little help from an AI, but who cares with so much genius! After the work is done, the discussion digresses into valuable topics such as prostitution, and deals with the question of why bachelor and hen parties on the Kiez like to get beaten up.

 

 

Chris: Well, ladies and gentlemen and all who define themselves differently, first a hearty welcome to episode 7 of “Swiss und Harms-Zwischen Tour und Angel”—we are actually living up to our name right now—

Swiss: Bo-Bo-Bo… how rapper-like did that come across?

Chris: Um… yeeaah… like 50%.

Swiss: I have to say something briefly.

Chris: Yes?

Swiss: Christian, guys, after his Eminem escapade last time—

Chris: *laughs*

Swiss: —[he] was so overbearingly forcing me to rap something by Eminem, his translation, and I had actually been telling him the whole time, “Eh, I don’t want to do that!”; subtly at first, and then at some point in the end I said, “Stop, this is my limit!” But you must tell people that you, being the nerd that you are—

Chris: *laughs* “nerd!”

Swiss: —you’ve already recorded it for me, because I said I don’t have time, I’m on the road, I’m in Berlin, blah—

Chris: You said you don’t understand the rhythm.

Swiss: And I don’t understand the rhythm. *laughs*

Chris: You should be able to understand a few Busta Rhymes sextuplets!

Swiss: And then he rapped that for me, and I’d like to play it now. Listen. And I must say, people—

Chris: But that wasn’t that cool.

Swiss: It was! And I must say, besides all the hate that I generally have towards you—

Chris: *laughs*

Swiss: —here he really… he did it well. Listen to it, folks. *music* (Chris raps “The Real Slim Shady” by Eminem, but in German [1:18-1:35]) With this rewind at the end, that’s very cool. Christian, I have to tell you, it’s spectacular, and um, it sounds a bit—

Chris: I have—

Swiss: —like a speech impediment, which we do not want to condemn, but now I can also advertise on my own behalf. You also did a part on our song “Orphan”, and you also rapped on that, didn’t you? It must be said. You rapped on that.

Chris: Yeah, in a way that’s rap. There are also Lord Of The Lost songs, where I—

Swiss: Hang on a minute, I must use this bottle opener—

 

Chris: Yeah, me too. 

Swiss: —to open my Diet Coke, just wait. *bottle opening sounds* Wow. The commercial for… which one was that, Astra or Flens? (German beer brands)

Chris: I think Flens.

Swiss: *mimics the sound of that beer commercial, which sounds like him opening his Diet Coke*

Chris: I say: charisma. *laughs*

Swiss: Check. Well, Christian, now tell me—

Chris: But I’ve also—for example, we have this song “La Bomba”, which I only wrote because I always thought Seeed (German Band) was so cool back then in terms of rhythms, where I thought I was missing heavy guitars, and that one is samba metal, and there I rap in the verses too.

Swiss: Okay.

Chris: But this fast rapping, that—well, I find it really difficult, and I used to like listening to Busta Rhymes, or—do you remember Snow (Canadian musician) and “Informer” (song by Snow)?

Swiss: Yes, but that’s not even—

Chris: *makes sounds like incredibly fast rap*

Swiss: But that’s—do you know Twista (US Rapper)? They used to be… incredible. I must say, honestly, I have been really crappy in that field. I never really tried that, and you also must say—I for one think that for a listener it gets boring very quickly. With Busta Rhymes you still understand every single word.

Chris: Yeah, it’s a high-performance “sport”.

Swiss: With Busta Rhymes you understand every single word, but there have also been some German rappers, who did it in a very energetic way, and it sounds awesome—but you don’t understand a thing. And with that many syllables the text often suffers. If you listen to it, you go, “yeah… okay.”

Chris: “Der schmächtige Zwielichtige” (The slim Shady)

Swiss: No, that’s cool. But here we are talking about Eminem, right?

Chris: But you rap faster than as you think (He uses incorrect grammar on purpose)

Swiss: Me?

Chris: I noticed that in “Orphan” for example, I also sing the chorus on “Orphan”, and it’s so… sure, it’s not “Busta Rhymes speed”, but compared to what I normally do, where there’s—already due to the style of the music—everything’s not so “wordy”. Look at the lyrics in one of our booklets, and then look at one of yours, how many words you need to pack into one song. That’s faster than as you think!

Swiss: I’m also a syllables nazi. It’s totally important to me; I hate it when people put too many or too few syllables in a pattern. Then I think, “Man, there’s a word missing!” or, “There’s one too many word!”

Chris: I totally know what you mean.

Swiss: That really annoys me.

Chris: That you search for the right fill-in word, so it fits.

Swiss: That totally annoys me, as it’s also a part of the music, of the rhythm, and you cannot break that.

Chris: I am… sorry.

Swiss: I’ve been rapping with a friend recently—that’s pretty cool, he’s been in prison for three years and is now on the loose, and we’ve been rapping together. I’ve known him for ages, from hip-hop jam times, one of the coolest guys. I love him more than anything. And it’s intense—even after three years… Out of those three years, he was in prison for an entire one—23 hours locked up, one hour out… and he didn’t come out bananas. I’m sure he got a bit of a ghetto cabin fever, but it’s still super funny. Such a cool guy. And we did a song, and I was so blown away by it, and then I thought, “Eh, I have to do more rap songs again”.

Chris: A solo song?

Swiss: With him! We just took a beat, put a hook on it, and it was so cool, then he went on it, and it was so… I went, “Yeah, man! I’ll do more rap again from now on!” And then you came up with your Eminem-copy rap and I thought, “Maybe I don’t give a shit and won’t do it after all.”

Chris: But I am a nazi for emphasis. I find it really tough when words are emphasized incorrectly.

Swiss: I thought you were just a regular nazi.

Chris: Now one could… you said you are a syllables nazi, I said I am an emphasis nazi; if people edited this cleverly now, they could make—

Swiss: Nah, it doesn’t matter.

Chris: For example, the word “BeTOnung” (emphasis): there you have the emphasis on the “o”, you say “BeTOnung”, not “BEtonung” or “BetoNUNG”. And sometimes when I have bands there in the studio, the people start to sing, and they put the words in a part or in the chorus, and they end up singing “BetonUNG”, then I always try to… I say—

Swiss: Yeah, right.

Chris: “Find a way to work around it!” And—

Swiss: Do you also do that in English? Or in German?

Chris: I do it in English, as it’s cooler.

Swiss: Yes, of course.

Chris: And there are very few—there are also big hits, where it is like that, where I just got used to it.

Swiss: Yeah, yeah.

Chris: The best example for this would be “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga, she doesn’t sing “bad ROmance”, but it always goes, “Caught in a bad roMANCE”, she goes “roMANCE”, but that’s not how it’s supposed to be. It takes me a while to get used to it, but sometimes it works.

Swiss: That’s so fascinating, sometimes that’s exactly the thing that makes it cool.

Chris: Yeah, but only sometimes.

Swiss: And Eminem was—well, is famous for rhyming words that don’t rhyme at all, as he just puts them together in a weird way. But should we [start] our musicians’ nerd talk—

Chris: We can simply start our podcast after 7 minutes.

Swiss: —which probably also annoys people a bit.

Chris: How are you doing? Really?

Swiss: Listen, I will now answer absolutely honestly, I’ve been a bit sick for a week, but I’m really up for the tour, we have a rehearsal day today, we’re recording.

Chris: The tour will start on Thursday; so, today, when you listen to this.

Swiss: Exactly, today is the start of the tour, people, in Hannover, and now on Tuesday we are recording.

Chris: We are by the way now—sorry, people, sorry—in St. Pauli. Mm-hmm.

Swiss: Exactly! And I’m a bit tired, I have recently… we’re not professionals like you, we just do everything last minute, that sucks.

Chris: I know.

Swiss: I was in Berlin yesterday, and I made a song, a cover of “Hungriges Herz” by Mia (German Band), together with a young singer called Romina, and also Mieze (Mia’s singer) from Mia is on it as well. Yesterday I was at the “Media Day”, bro, and that was very, very funny, as we—

Chris: What’s a “Media Day”?

Swiss: Hey, listen. Listen up. We made this song—

Chris: With a really cool, fresh startup—

Swiss: Hey, listen.  

Chris: —from Berlin.

Swiss: We were at this—I made this song with Jens (team member from “Good Kid” label), that’s what he’s called, I also did a lot of my rap album with him, you have also got to know him—

Chris: Yeah, right.

Swiss: Jens is a cool guy, and they have a pretty successful sublabel of Universal, it’s called “Good Kid”, they have done a lot of those streaming hits by various artists already, then we had this song and everybody was like, “Wow, it’s really cool”, and also Mieze said it was totally cool and “I want to be in it, too!” and so on and so forth. We, of course, found that totally cool, it’s HER song after all, so, yes, please! And then I said, “I want to see how you do it. How you release such a song.” We always just do it… somehow, just the way we feel like doing it in that moment. And then Martin (Martin Fischer, content creator) and I were in Berlin, and on the way to Berlin, we had a call with the guys from the label—

Chris: You also call it “a call” instead of “ein Anruf” (German for “a call”).

Swiss: No, no, I just repeated what they called it, it was a Zoom Call—even though it was actually Microsoft Meet or something alike, I don’t know. We were sitting in the car and there were foreign words flying around us everywhere, like “The ASD’s have to be delivered on the… blah…”—and I was like… Martin and I were just smirking, and I said, “Just let them do it, I want to see it, I want to see how they do it.” And then the two girls from his label sent in such cool ideas there, and at the end of the day, “Media Day” means you go somewhere and record some reels. So, I said, “Okay, I’m in, I’m in everywhere, I want to see it.” So yesterday we were in some studio in Berlin, and then Mieze came—and in the beginning I didn’t know—beforehand she had only communicated via her management, which was also somehow… so, the management spoke for her, like, “It’s difficult for Mieze to find the time”, and there I thought… do you know… you are mistaken.

Chris: Mm-hmm.

Swiss: I thought maybe she’s a bit… not demanding, but a bit special in a way. Then she shows up there and is just simply the coolest person ever. Her drummer was there, also super cool, and that’s when I thought again that it’s so important to get to know people before you judge them.

Chris: Yeah, right.

Swiss: You can find cool people in every corner, and also the one really, really cool woman, and—exactly, that’s what I did yesterday, and now I’m sitting here with you, and I’m about to have my dress rehearsal and—you, Christian, how are you? 

Chris: I’m doing okay again, I had… that’s really strange, I had actually planned to talk only about funny things during this episode, because the last episode was so heavily emotional, but it was actually like that, I got sick on tour shortly after we talked, shortly after Paris, and then played three more dates where I was already feeling really bad; I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t post anything, because I hate it when every comment says, “Get back on your feet soon!”

Swiss: “Get well soon! We love you!” *In a mocking tone*

Chris: I know that it’s totally well intentioned, but I don’t like this kind of attention.

Swiss: Mm-hmm.

Chris: So, I just powered through, got home, and thought, “Wow dude, I’ve got this weird dry cough and I’m so out of breath, everything’s burning”—I had corona. Really cool. Probably a lot of people on tour had it too.

Swiss: Allegedly, the Corona-lie. Coming from those chemtrails.

Chris: Exactly, right, that—fuck AfD. And I think it’s the first time I’ve knowingly had corona, and the weird thing is: I’ve been negative for a few days now, but I do a fucking walk —from home to here, for example—and I’m already out of breath.

Swiss: Yeah. That’s wild.

Chris: So, I’m currently—my voice is okay, I can sing again, but I’m out of breath.

Swiss: Yeah.

Chris: And such a show is like a high-performance sport.

Swiss: When does it start?

Chris: Tonight, we get on the bus, and tomorrow—so, on Wednesday—if you listen to this now, people: yesterday, it starts. We go to Prague—

Swiss: Cool!

Chris: —and that’s so… well, it’s going to be really exhausting.

Swiss: How many dates are you playing in a row?

Chris: Four. Normally I always do sports while on tour, during the day, skipping rope; I think I won’t do it this time, so that I only—

Swiss: Do you know that I have completely omitted that? Today I’ll be doing sports still, though, and in between the shows—there was a time, when the boys used to go to McFit before the show or something, but I think, our show is so cardio heavy, and I also need the regeneration.

Chris: Me too actually, but for me it has always helped somehow. I do better in the evening—I used to think, it makes me less fit on stage in the evening, but if I have worked out once in the daytime, even if it was just for half an hour, not like one and a half hour of pumping, but half an hour of skipping rope, then I have already “done something” and don’t need to do it in the evening, but I’m going to skip that now.

Swiss: Yeah, yeah, I see.

Chris: I really must try to somehow… I notice that, as I said, I’ve been negative for 5 days or so now, but I notice that the lungs—it’s really done something to me, so corona is definitely different from just a normal cold.

Swiss: I know the story of a woman, who used to run marathons, then she got corona, I think that was before there were vaccines, she lives on the second floor, and ever since when she goes up there, she’s dead, so marathons aren’t possible at all anymore, so it is… without wanting to open this huge corona debate again—

Chris: Then we’d have to make 5-minute shows from now on.

Swiss: —but that’s the case… I know a few stories where it dragged on for a very long time. Yes, but let’s talk about something funny today.

Chris: Right! I wanted—I brought this Eminem loop with me, and I wanted you to rap.

Swiss: *laughs* No, we have already ticked that off!

Chris: Okay, okay. It’s a shame, but I have this on my list, what do I do now? *laughs*

Swiss: Look, we have been talking about this app, “Sono”.

Chris: Yes, our jingle, finally, on episode 7, we finally get a jingle!

Swiss: And we should talk about a jingle—look, I’ll show you this now, we covered this song by Rico Raw, “Bullenwagen”.

Chris: Yeah, yeah.

Swiss: Which we recorded there with you.

Chris: *sings* “Bullenwagen klauen und die Innenstadt demolieren”

Swiss: And now there’s a thingamabob version of it.

Chris: I’ve honestly never heard that before. Who is this Rico anyway? 

Swiss: Rico Raw, he is—hey man, the coolest story ever! It’s a cool guy who lives in—now he lives somewhere in the south of Hamburg, a very smooth, relaxed guy, and he’s also been a St. Pauli (the soccer club) fan for ages, and now check out this story: he did—I think it was 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years ago, he told me this, it was definitely ages ago, I think they were playing in the third league then, regional—no, third league, or regional league it was back then, and he made music with his buddy, and they did this song: “Bullenwagen klauen und die Innenstadt demolieren”, (“Steal cop cars and demolish the city center”)—and he somehow ended up on some St. Pauli sampler.

Chris: With that song.

Swiss: With that song. With the original one.

Chris: I have never heard that one. Can you listen to it somewhere?

Swiss: It’s on the internet. And then he tells me a legendary story: he was sitting there—they were at an away game in Lübeck (city in the north of Germany), he just went to get himself a bockwurst sausage, and suddenly all of the St. Pauli fans there were singing.

Both: *singing* “Bullenwagen klauen und die Innenstadt demolieren!”

Swiss: That was insane, and now imagine that feeling, you have no idea what circles your song has drawn, you’re there in the stadium as a fan of your team, and suddenly everyone sings your song!  

Chris: Cool!

Swiss: But we’ve now heard that Taylor Swiss, I’ll call her Taylor Swiss, has already done the song.

Chris: I had never heard a Taylor Swift song until recently.

Swiss: They’re all shit too.

Chris: And then, because a friend of mine said she’s a huge Swifty, she said, “Listen to this.” Then I said, “Okay, I’ll try that now.” And then I listened to these 10 songs that come up first on Spotify, and then another whole album, and I’m not the type to say, “Songs are shit.”

Swiss: I am.

Chris: I just say, “[It] Doesn’t touch me”, but I didn’t feel any of it.

Swiss: That’s shit, man. Also her biggest hit. I think it’s so shit.

Chris: I didn’t feel a hit and it’s so extreme. So this phenomenon. I find it totally fascinating, because she as a person… I don’t think she’s hot or beautiful or anything. I don’t get it. 

Swiss: I think that—

Chris: I’m really sorry for those out there, when Taylor Swift fans are offended—

Swiss: All the Swifties will now—

Chris: —but it doesn’t affect me at all.

Swiss: Shall I tell you what my theory is? Well, take a look. For me, for example, Miley Cyrus—

Chris: Yes, mega!

Swiss: —a billion times more interesting, more exciting artist with cooler songs, the whole shebang. I think Taylor Swift—

Chris: And as I said, that’s what female pop is for me, I’m a huge Gaga fan, and Madonna, and everything. It’s not like I’m saying the genre doesn’t work for me. It should actually be my thing.

Swiss: Full on. Hey, Britney Spears.

Chris: Love her.

Swiss: I was a huge Britney Spears fan—

Chris: Still am.

Swiss: But I think with her it’s that she’s just this typical “all American girl.” So everyone has the feeling “I know someone like that”, the likable cheerleader. She’s not too extroverted, but not too little extroverted either. She’s also one who gives people the feeling “That could be me too”.

Chris: No, I have no idea. For me, that’s the aura of Sakrotan (German brand for sanitizer). So not at all…

Swiss: But such an awesome Sakrotan spray bottle.

Chris: I really like sniffing it.

Swiss: Put some cream on it somehow? No, I think that’s my theory as to why it’s so successful. And also with the songs. I really felt that way. I did exactly that, I listened to them and I thought, “It just doesn’t touch me at all.” There’s no song where I say I want to hear it again. Do you know how many times I’ve listened to “Flowers” by Miley Cyrus on repeat? In the car alone…

Chris: Because the song is so simple and so perfect in its… whatever.

Swiss: But don’t you know? There’s a concept from advertising: “Kiss - Keep it simple and stupid”. As you say, simply made easy, cool, to the point.

Chris: Never mind. Taylor Swiss. We were with Rico.

Swiss: Oh sh… watch out. Now here with Sonos.

Chris: Right, that’s where we were, the jingle. Fuck.

Swiss: Please look how… Have you heard it yet?

Chris: Which one?

Swiss: The remix?

Chris: I have seen something on Facebook…

 

[18:52]

*Swiss plays the jingle: “Hey, hey, hey. Good morning. Sobering up cell. Too much chemistry in the beer. Meet Swiss and Shocky, Digga, what are we doing? I’ve got an answer to the meaning of life question, today we’re sitting in the front of a cop car instead of the back.”*

Swiss: And here it comes.

*song still playing: “I walk naked through the church while shouting 666, and then the police arrive. We hide in the bushes…”*

Chris: And an AI created this?

Swiss: An AI created this. You enter the text, say what style you want.

Chris: And you said, “Taylor Swift style”.

Swiss: I didn’t do it, a neighbor did.

*music continues to play*

Swiss: And now everyone wave your hands left and right! *He waves his hands from side to side like at a concert* And so on. Isn’t that sick?

Chris: That’s super scary. So, that means your colleague has entered the lyrics to “Bullenwagen klau'n”, Taylor Swift style.

Swiss: Exactly. And another one here… *plays another song*

Chris: Hansi Hinterseer (Austrian singer) or what?

Swiss: Yeah, no idea what he entered.

Chris: It’s also a bit Karell Gott (Czech singer).

Swiss: It’s crazy, isn’t it? Tell me honestly. It really is crazy.

Chris: That’s crazy, yo.

Swiss: When are we going to be replaced, Chris?

Chris: I think we’ve already been replaced and just don’t realize it yet.

Swiss: Is it even you?

Chris: So the moment where we… seriously, can Sonos maybe just make episode 8 of our podcast?

Swiss: No, but what I’ve actually thought about—

Chris: Well, an AI podcast episode.

Swiss: A podcast episode? It’s also simply called “AI - This is how we could think”. No, but for example, what does that mean for me? I’ve thought about it before, to be honest. If I have an approximate hook melody, but I’m not happy with it, but I have the words, enter them, say, “Style by…”, I don’t know, some big name, “Nothing Else Matters by…”

Chris: Guns N’ Roses.

Swiss: Guns N’… Rammstein is what I would have said now.

Chris: Exactly, yes.

Swiss: The hook in that style please, let’s see what they offer. Even if it’s just a cool introduction. Do you know what I mean?

Chris: How is it actually with this… Is it the case with this story that the things that have been created are somehow archived so that everyone can listen to them?

Swiss: Yes, there are even highlight lists.

Chris: Exactly, so I think you would have to… So you can’t steal from AI, at least not from this app, without someone noticing and saying afterwards, “Well, I made it up myself.”

Swiss: Hey, it doesn’t really matter. So the question is, is there copyright on it, I don’t know.

Chris: No, it’s not. It hasn’t been defined yet. It will certainly come at some point. I just mean, it’s like an artist trying to say, “Yeah, I made it all up myself”, but AI actually did everything.

Swiss: Do they even care anymore? So…

Chris: Well…

Swiss: Everyone covers everything at any time.

Chris: Let’s put it this way, I think someone cares when someone says shit.

Swiss: I don’t know. I don’t give a fuck about it all, I would…

Chris: I don’t tell anyone when I’m on Rhymezone looking for a good word that rhymes.

Swiss: What are you doing? On Rhymezone?

Chris: Yeah, sometimes I don’t know what rhymes with “love”.

Swiss: Hey, Christian! Chrishy!

Chris: Wow, that’s got… That’s terrible, I haven’t been called that for ages.

Swiss: Chrishy?

Chris: Christian Simon.

Swiss: Really?

Chris: Yes.

Swiss: You know my name.

Chris: Werner.

Swiss: I have another one. Roman.

Chris: Werner Roman.

Swiss: Yes, Werner Roman, Diggi.

Chris: You still have to think of a cool last name.

Swiss: My mother actually wanted to call me “Lino”. Isn’t that funny? And now we’re going on tour with Lino.

Chris: Lostboi Lino.

Swiss: Well, because of Lino Ventura, the English actor, I think. And then she decided on my name, “Werner”. Did I fall down well (in this context, this means “Was I lucky…”) or did I…

Chris: Well, you certainly fell down a few times. (In Germany, you can say, “You must have fallen off the changing table too often as a baby” to call someone dumb.)

Swiss: I fell down a few times.

Chris: Do you know why my son is called “Mika”?

Swiss: Because of Milka (Swiss chocolate brand), and you couldn’t pronounce it properly?

Chris: Exactly. The softest temptation (Milka’s long-standing advertising slogan). Nah, I used to watch Formula 1 with my dad. Mika Häkkinen.

Swiss: Ahh, Mika Hamilton.

Chris: Almost. Yes, exactly. I didn’t think the guy was cool at all, I wasn’t a Mika Häkkinen fan. But I sat there as a kid and thought, “Awesome name.”

Swiss: Can you tell me this, because I don’t understand it. People have often tried to explain this to me, this enthusiasm for Formula 1?

Chris: I don’t know. I’m a huge Formula 1 fan…

Swiss: Formula 1 is the “Taylor Swift music” of sport. In quotation marks.

Chris: I can’t explain it to you. It’s simple, maybe it’s because I used to watch it with my dad and then I stopped for years and then this Drive to Survive documentary came on Netflix, which looks behind the scenes, which is incredibly interesting, where you follow all the teams for a whole season. And that’s how I got back into it. For example, documentaries got me interested in American football, which I didn’t understand before. And then there were these Netflix documentaries…

Swiss: Last Chance U… That’s awesome.

Chris: Last Chance U, about the problem kids in college, and then also about the NFL, i.e. the pros at the Super Bowl. And since then I’ve also found, through this knowledge… For me it’s the case that I can apparently feel fascination for something as long as I have enough background knowledge.

Swiss: Big cars, horsepower, pollution, a lot of money in the background, and guys who have been in cars since childhood, karts and so on. Is that what you’re passionate about?

Chris: Interesting discussion, indeed. Maybe this is going too far if we want to make a funny episode, but without Formula 1, for example, there would be no 3-liter car. Because motorsport, i.e. small, efficient engines, drives us forward. And the most successful driver, Louis Hamilton, is one of the few who come from a poor family and not a rich one.

Swiss: Christian, you’re talking to someone here…

Chris: Wait, serious topic.

Swiss: Why are you getting emotional now… come on, you’re talking to someone who just ordered the Tesla SUV.

Chris: Did you really? There are… Oh this space thing… But anyway, we wanted… you wanted… we can talk about sustainability in Formula 1 later.

Swiss: Yes, I can see you’re eluding it right now, but we know that about you. *both laugh* What did I actually want…

Chris: A jingle.

Swiss: Jingle?

Chris: We wanted to create a jingle with your app.

Swiss: You know what? I have another idea: I want people to write something on Instagram under the things, maybe a four-line text idea for our jingle.

Chris: Now we’re going to watch it live and implement it immediately.

Swiss: No, no, no. For the next episode, where they enter Swiss and Harms, I think the last rhyme should be Swiss and Harms.

Chris: So, you want a little poem, a little foursome.

Swiss: Exactly, people should have a four-liner, an eight-liner if you like… I think an eight-liner is perhaps too much for a jingle. And then we’ll pick the coolest one or put the coolest ones together, next episode, and enter them live, what do you think?

Chris: And rap that.

Swiss: Rap that.

Chris: What rhymes with “Harms”?

Swiss: Uh, “Darm” (Intestine)?

Chris: “Darms.”

Swiss: “Darms. Darmwill”… For example, if you give… Swiss & Harms… uh… you can still—

Chris: Schwaaanz (“Schwanz” can mean both “tail” and “penis”, and if you try hard enough, you can make it rhyme with “Harms”.)

Swiss: —"Who’s not at the start? Swiss & Harms. Always there. Really true. Is what they say really true? Check with Swiss & Harms…”

Chris: So, then you can…

Swiss: You can surf around in your Rhymezone as much as you like. You see, you’re dealing with a real rapper here.

Chris: But do you have this app on your cell phone? Can you type something into it and say, “Make a jingle”?

Swiss: Watch out. I could…

Chris: So we’ll have to… okay, then we’ll just finish it in episode 8. Or episode 9, but I’d like to know what happens if you enter something cool.

Swiss: Sonos… what’s it called? Sonos, right?

Chris: I don’t know. You prepared yourself.

Swiss: Prepared. You know my preparation quality.

Chris: I’m sitting here with my piece of paper, my iPad.

Swiss: You’re a nerd too, you know that?

Chris: Yes, I know.

Swiss: Pisses me off too.

Chris: I know. You’re jealous.

Swiss: So, music app Sono… I’ve probably always said it wrong.

Chris: Corvin sent me something the other day. The blond angel who knows everything.

Swiss: The blond angel. It’s somehow called “Sono AI blah blah blah”.

Chris: Suno!

Swiss: Suno. Like this.

Chris: I have to tell you a quick story about Corvin.

Swiss: Tell a story about Corvin.

Chris: Corvin, you’ve already worked with him, we produced “Linksradikaler Schlager” together, you, Corvin and me, he played with you at the Swiss end of year concert, next to the stage—

Swiss: He also put our whole show together, you have to say.

Chris: —Joa and one of the coolest studio guys I know. He’s currently on tour in the USA with Uli Jon Roth, Scorpions’ old guitarist. And Corvin is the kind of guy, if I want to know something, I don’t know, how do I do a software update or license some plug-in or do this and that, and I don’t know, I can’t find some fucking function, then I call Corvin. And at some point, I called Corvin, and there was a person standing next to me, and they said, “Tell me, why does Corvin know all this stuff?”, and my answer was, “Corvin has a Star Trek uniform in his closet.” And then the answer was, “Oh, right. That’s why.”

Swiss: Yeah, I love how he does too—

Chris: So that’s on the subject of nerdiness. Regards Corvin.

Swiss: —always has these spaceships in his studio.

Chris: He has Enterprises there.

Swiss: So, I’m in now. Watch out. We are now making an example here. I made a song for my daughter, melodic rap, but unfortunately it didn’t turn out so well. You can check it out here. *Music plays from a cell phone*

Chris: Oh God.

Swiss: *repeats the lyrics* Rosa is a cheeky little mouse (In German, “Maus”, which literally translates to “mouse”, can be used as a term of endearment for girls). She really looks like Elsa. She stole my heart.”

Chris: She looks like who? Like Elsa?

Swiss: Like Elsa…

Chris: From Frozen?

Swiss: YES, of course, that’s her thing atm.

Chris: [The] third part is planned, right? Frozen…

Swiss: Yes, she doesn’t want to watch it.

Chris: What now? Too scary?

Swiss: I don’t know.

Chris: So, she doesn’t want to see the movie, or what?

Swiss: I don’t understand. No, she doesn’t want to see it.

Chris: What?

Swiss: YES, I don’t understand. Create… so…

Chris: Best movie!

Swiss: So, let’s do the song description now, I have to go to Custom Mode.

Chris: I’ve just got it too.

Swiss: Say some lyrics. Wait. “Swiss & Harms…”

Chris: “Swiss & Harms, little Schwaaanz.”

Swiss: No. “Swiss & Harms are really there…”, I’ll just ignore your vulgar interjections.

Chris: No, not vulgar. Like a dog. Little Schwaaanz.

Swiss: “Are really there. Don’t always get along…”

Chris: “Lalalalalalala”

Swiss: “Don’t always get along, shlalalalalala.”

Chris: “HSV.”

Swiss: “What they say is always true…”

Chris: So, folks, you’re about to witness how Swiss and I write songs.

Swiss: “Yes, these are…” wait a minute, there are still some—

Chris: I can say what I want. He doesn’t give a shit.

Swiss: —to make decisions.

Chris: *whispers* Little schwaaanz…

Swiss: “Yes, these are Swiss & Harms episodes stiff as a horny schwaaanz”.

Chris: Yup.

Swiss: Nah, “Follow sometimes hard as a stiff”—

Chris: Little…

Swiss: —"Schwaaanz”. Let’s see if it reads that. Like this. Hey, now we have to choose a style of music… What do we want? I would say Russian folk, because that’s a bit of a wish of mine.

Chris: Exactly, like Don Cossacks. I like Russian folk.

Swiss: Russian folk. Russian—

Chris: But with drum and bass, please.

Swiss: —Russian folk with—

Chris: Drum & bass beat.

Swiss: —drum & bass. You notice the AI problems right away. The title is “Jingle Wingle”.

Chris: I have that too, it’s a website and an app. I’ve opened a website here.

Swiss: But you have to create an account. Like this. Watch out. Create… You always have a certain amount of credits every day… “Jingle Wingle”

Chris: Yes, you can’t be fully creative every day, such an AI. It’s bound to have writer’s block from time to time.

Swiss: “Hey, my AI has writer’s block”. So, “Jingle Wingle”, Russian folk, bass drum.

Chris: Drum & bass.

Swiss: Drum & bass. *Plays music* Sad… suits us.

Chris: Yes, nice minor key. 

 

[31:49]

*jingle playing*

Swiss: *laughs* The jingle is ready! *sings along* “episodes sometimes hard like a stiff Schwanz”

Chris: Okay, stiff (with the emphasis on the wrong syllable)—these are the emphasizes there. 

Swiss: Awesome!

Chris: It didn’t work with drum and bass, but anyway.

Swiss: Drum and bass are not there, but hey, the beginning moved me, I definitely had a tear—

Chris: *sings* “Swiss und Harms”

Swiss: —and when the crescendo came then, *sings* “Swiss und Harms”—hey, yes, people…

Chris: But with *sings* “Stiff Schwanz” (“Stiff” with the emphasis on the wrong syllable)—there’s the problem, there I am the “emphasis nazi” again.

Swiss: Yes, of course, not just you, as *sings* “Stiff Schwanz” (“Stiff” with the emphasis on the wrong syllable)… what’s that?

Chris: Yes, yes.

Swiss: Maybe—I know you would not like to hear this, but maybe we should just take the Schwanz out now.

Both: *laugh*

Chris: Can you edit it?

Swiss: I have realized how much that means to you—

Chris: I must say, honestly, in my opinion, the jingle is finished.

Swiss: You don’t have to make it such a big deal, right?

Chris: When it starts like this—imagine, come on, let us briefly simulate that—can you press play, when I say—

Swiss: Listen—

Chris, “Ladies and Gentlemen, hearty welcome to Episode 7”—

Swiss: Listen, we just briefly do “Swiss & Harms are really there, don’t always get along, shalalalala, what they say is always true, yes they are Swiss &Harms—

Chris: Done.

Swiss: —Swiss & Harms, Swiss & Harms, Swiss & Harms” —three more times “Swiss & Harms—

Chris: Yes, exactly.

Swiss: —and Harms.” Exactly. People, Russian folk, with… with…

Chris: Just leave the rest as it is, it’s still cool.

Swiss: Okay.

Chris:  Listen, we’ll pretend as if this was now… “Hearty welcome, you lovelies out there at the radio devices”—

Swiss: May I briefly say something?

Chris: Nope.

Swiss: Actually, it is the other way around. First comes the jingle, then comes the announcement. 

Chris: Oh, that’s how it is! Okay, good, everything clear.

Swiss: Yes, yes. Come on, so we do it, I start.

Chris: So, the episode starts—

(Words in italics in the next few sentences were spoken in English)

Swiss: I must create here first; I must create, it must be created first.

Chris: Yes, go create that. Hey, it’s so fresh, how you are creating that here, just like that, in real time.

Swiss: In a moment I’ll find it in the library, do you understand?

Chris: Yes.

Swiss: Well, my… thingies are slowly running out, my credits.

Chris: Mm-hmm. Hey, crazy.

Swiss: Martin also has several jingles for his podcast.

Chris: He has a podcast?

Swiss: They have a podcast. “Glass house and butcher”, bro! (Fleischer und Glashaus)

Chris: And who are “they”?

Swiss: Him and Flo, his former roommate; the coolest podcast.

Chris: I had never heard of it before. Good tip!

Swiss: They are super funny, the two of them together, I love it.

Chris: The link goes into the stories.

Swiss: I love it.

Chris: “Butcher and… what”?

Swiss: “Butcher and Glass house”. A cool name.

Chris: I must remember that.

Swiss: Okay, listen. First comes our jingle, and then you have to jump straight in.

Chris: Yes.

 

[34:18]

 *jingle playing, female voice singing*

Swiss: *laughs* Hey, bro, this is totally moving me emotionally now. Wait a moment.

Chris: But why… where’s the other one?

Swiss: That’s… Look, there you notice that AI, it has…We cannot build on what we had created before, you know.

*jingle continues to play with a female voice, in a theatrical version*

Swiss: *laughs*

*end of jingle in a theatrical version*

Swiss: Oops! Eurovision Song Contest.

Chris: I was just about to say, “Eurovision!”—it sounds like this year’s selection for the Eurovision Song Contest.

Swiss: Hey, spectacular!

Chris: Honestly, this is better than some of the entries, which—I have just recorded reaction videos for all 37 Eurovision contributions of this year.

Swiss: Why do you do that?

Chris: Because I find that cool.

Swiss: Did you get money for it?

Chris: Yes, of course.

Swiss: Yeah, sure.

Chris: 10,000 Euros per… add that up, 37 times 10,000 Euros.

Swiss: Okay.

Chris: No, but because I find it cool. There is the biggest ESC fan blog, “ESC kompakt”, they are really cool people, who supported us on our ESC journey the whole time—

Swiss: “Really cool people.” Why is everybody always “super cool people”? Can’t you also talk shit about people sometimes? Like “They are spastics” or something.

Chris: Yeah, okay. No, I don’t have the heart to do that to them.

Swiss: Okay. Go on then.

Chris: They asked me if I wanted to do that this year, and I was going to watch it all anyway, and I really must say, I found these three entries now more awesome than one or the other of the ESC entries of this year.

Swiss: Which were probably also inspired by AI.

Chris: Maybe. Can you play the first one again or can you not get back to it?

Swiss: They are all in the library.

Chris: Okay.

Swiss: Maybe we can cut it off earlier or edit it, because that one was already “the king”.

Chris: Play it again and then send… can you send it to me, then I’ll make something out of it.

*jingle playing, Russian folk style*

Chris: “Hearty Welcome…”

Swiss: It’s like… through the Russian tundra.

Chris: Can it be done with an accent also?

Both *signing along* “always true.”

*jingle playing on, the part with “stiff” with the emphasis on the wrong syllable*

Chris: You can cut that out, I’ll edit that.

Swiss: I’ll send it directly to you.

Chris: Yes.

Swiss: For this one… it has that vibe.

Chris: I don’t write songs myself anymore.

Swiss: Yes?

Chris: No. I’m done.

Swiss: You draw inspiration from it, you say, “Cool, that intro is cool, I’ll take it just as it is.”… Just throw a few lines of text together and AI then—

Chris: Especially how quickly it works, that’s scary.

Swiss: Do you think, they can also replace you in live shows?

Chris: For sure.

Swiss: That would be cool. Like: I’m going on tour, and you say, “Have fun in the nightliner”, and I go, “What do I have to do with a nightliner, bro, I’m on the sofa, pressing joysticks, like some drone pilot, dude.”

Chris: But it would be something totally funny for a show with people, that you—no idea—if you do such a live thing, that people shout ideas, and you briefly create a song together via AI. 

Swiss: Yeah. I—should I tell you something?

Chris: Yes, say it.

Swiss: I have the feeling, that—

Chris: We should quit.

Swiss: —we should maybe do a live show at some point.

Chris: That’s an awesome idea.

Swiss: An awesome idea, right?

Chris: Yeah.

Swiss: Imagine, just… but not like, somewhere in a theater or something.

Chris: No, in a large room where it reverberates beautifully.

Swiss: A church, bro! In a church.

Chris: A church. A service.

Swiss: A service. We are doing a service!

Chris: “Swiss & Harms – The Service.”

Swiss: The Service. That’s cool!

Chris: The Service.

Swiss: And only with people who are selected by AI. You can only buy tickets with the help of AI.

Chris: *laughs* How is that supposed to work?

Swiss: No idea, we’re going to put the best hackers—

Chris: Okay.

Swiss: —that we have in our ranks—and you know how many we have in our ranks—on it.

Chris: All of them. All of them. All of them.

Swiss: Yeah, crazy. Crazy.

Chris: Okay, so let’s circle back for a moment: I think this one’s already really great, I have to say.

Swiss: Yes, it has a vibe!

Chris: Better than your idea with the woman with an Eastern European accent who says something, but let us—

Swiss: Listen, let’s take the text once again and maybe try yet another variant.

Chris: Exactly, then maybe we really say, “Guys, can you please put it in the comments on Instagram, Facebook, wherever, or send it to us as a message if you have cool quatrains for an awesome text, then we’ll play around with it again next time.”

Swiss: Yeah.

Chris: So, give us “food”, because we don’t just want to be creative with the AI ourselves and do all the work, we want you to do everything *laughs* and we want to enter your text into the AI.

Swiss: Exactly, but I think it’s very good. Watch out, I’ve now tried something new again, let’s see how… how this is going to work out.

Chris: *sings* “Swiss & Harms”

Swiss: *sings* “shalalala, don’t always get…” NO! I have run out of credits now! Man! I find that stupid.

Chris: So, you can do three songs a day, or what?

Swiss: Well but actually—

Chris: How long are the songs then?

Swiss: Depends, so if I enter a lot of text now, it takes it all as—

Chris: Okay, everything clear.

Swiss: Okay, yes, I’ll do that as soon as I have credits again. Fuck! Fuck, man! Ferris had, by the way… Ferris played in Hamburg—

Chris: I wanted to go, but I thought I was still so unfit.

Swiss: —and he flipped out again after the show.

Chris: Really?

Swiss: Because he was dissatisfied with his in-ears.

Chris: After the show or during the show?

Swiss: After the show.

Chris: Mm-hmm.

Swiss: During the show he luckily did not… I actually like it, when Ferris becomes so foul-mouthed, I like that.

Chris: *in a grumbling voice* “Live and direct!”

Swiss: *mimicks grunting*, he grumbles and I’m like, “Yes, more of that, that’s exactly what we want from you! We don’t want the nice guy!” Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Chris: “Fuck, fuck! The sound guy should get in touch with me, live and direct!”

Swiss: Yes, it went a bit in that direction again, but—

Chris: But was the show cool?

Swiss: I found it cool. I liked it a lot, I found the—

Chris: I would have loved to see it, but—

Swiss: I noticed one thing again, Christian: I can no longer enjoy concerts like this. Such long ones, you know. If you [play] yourself… time just flies. But then I was in the Große Freiheit (venue in Hamburg) and I was in the stands at the back, I found the bass… bro, the bass crushed my head.

Chris: But it’s also really hard up on the balcony in the corner of Große Freiheit.

Swiss: Bro, that was such a gut-wrenching experience, and I found it so toughly hot. Hey, did you read in the Mopo (Morgenpost, a Hamburg daily newspaper) recently, in one of the recent Mopo issues, that a show in the Grünspan (small venue in Hamburg) was canceled because it was too hot in there. And I thought, “Yes, but… bro, dude, each time we play there, people almost die!” It is simply too hot there, and one guy explained to me once, they just can’t build in a ventilation system because of monument protection, blah… I don’t know, if that’s true or whatever, but… that’s how it is in Grünspan. It’s hot in Grünspan.

Chris: Yes, but… sorry, man, honestly, I have a huge problem with all these venues that are no longer hot nowadays, and that’s also one of the reasons why I got sick faster on tour.

Swiss: True, if they are too cold, that’s horrible.

Chris: Yes, and ventilation on the stage! I’m—in Luxembourg there was an icy wind on stage due to some climate shit.

Swiss: Yeah, yeah. In this Alzette-thingamabob (He maybe means Esch-sur-Alzette, a town in Luxemburg) there.

Chris: In Amsterdam it was on such a strong setting that even our drummer in the back, Nik, he’s like a bear, he doesn’t give a shit normally—and if he says he’s cold—and if you then try during the show—if our tour manager then tries to run into their office during the show and says, “Dude, turn off the ventilation on stage, you’re welcome to ventilate the people, but not on stage!”—then [it’s] always this: “Yes, by law, and blablabla…” quite honestly, sorry if I’m so old school now, but in the ’70s and ’80s people also went to concerts, it’s just hot there! And I need to sweat on stage, and I-I don’t know, I’ve fallen ill a few times because it was too cold on stage. Outside, wind—no problem. Open air, or you have an old factory hall that’s cold—no problem. “Standing” cold air or natural wind—but this ventilation that cuts into your throat like a laser of cold air—I mean, that sounds very pathetic, but—

Swiss: Yeah. You now sound like Michael Jackson in the documentary—

Chris: I go nuts!

Swiss: —where he complains about the sound, “It’s like a fist in my ear!”

Chris: Yes! But that’s how it is!

Swiss: Okay.

Chris: I watched that one Maiden documentary, where Bruce, we have been talking about him recently, gets into a car, a van, after the show, and he sits in there for three seconds and goes, “Can you turn off the fucking air con?”—and I thought, “Word.”— I feel that.

Swiss: I actually went once—that was in early summer, I—do you know the Beatpol (venue) in Dresden?

Chris: Yeah, sure.

Swiss: That was our “Kleine Clubs zerficken” (“Fuck up small clubs”) tour.

Chris: There are these weird pillars somewhere, right?

Swiss: And he said, “I think the venue is awesome, it’s really cool, even the backstage, that old Wilhelmina style—”

Chris: We have played there once, too, I remember that, yeah.

Swiss: Yes. That was cool. We were there twice during our “Kleine Clubs zerficken” tour, and I love the place, but the one time it was so hot, I almost passed out, towards the end I noticed, I was completely wet, my earphones stopped working because it was too wet.

Chris: Flooded, yes.

Swiss: And I thought, “Hey, three more songs now and I’ll just fall over”, same for the people, it was just simply—there also was so much humidity in the room because of all the sweat. Well, maybe there’s a middle ground.

Chris: Yes, as I said, the thing is, which I never understand, I don’t know… man flies to the moon, but these air-cons can make it either ice cold or not at all. I have no problem with it being ventilated, but why does it have to be set to “16 degrees American supermarket”?

Swiss: Yes, that’s true.

Chris: And I really hope—

Swiss: Why did you “shoot” towards the US now, how does that benefit you?

Chris: Because I am an evil person.

Swiss: I see.

Chris: So, what’s really interesting, for example, at a lot of venues, at dance events—no, sorry, not dance events, at events where there are dancers on stage, you can’t have any ventilation on stage because they could catch a cold.

Swiss: Mm-hmm.

Chris: But with bands it doesn’t matter. It makes me think, “People, huh?!”

Swiss: Plus, what I often also find, you’re pulling yourself something.

Chris: Yeah.

Swiss: There are also those 2-3 songs where you don’t go full throttle, and then that cold air comes out and your body… you know, you’re not wearing much and maybe no shirt or your shirt is completely soaked, which is even more dangerous—

Chris: Yeah.

Swiss: Then you make a movement, and because the muscles are suddenly so… working differently—bang, your shoulder is strained. 

Chris: I’ve really put together different outfits for these blocks now, because I’ve got a block of four with four shows in a row and a block of five, that I’m taking a few—I don’t know, “stage-compatible jackets” with me, which I just put on the moment I realize it’s shit.

Swiss: Yeah. Very good, Christian.

Chris: But I still wanted to… watch out, I … funny stories, yeah? I don’t know if I’ve already told you about it, last year at the Eurovision Song Contest there was a wiener problem. That the BBC—are you yawning now?

Swiss: For four years… No! I find it boring because I’ve had a wiener problem for four years.

Chris: *laughs out loud* Come on, tell us about your problem first.

Swiss: Which is something people always have to rub my nose in.

Chris: Wieners?

Swiss: Yes, it all started with sports.

Chris: Mm-hmm.

Swiss: Bro—

Chris: Have you got a problem with your wiener or with other wieners?

Swiss: No, with other wieners—

Chris: *laughs*

Swiss: —I have no problem, none at all, I only started playing soccer because of that.

Chris: Yeah.

Swiss: “When are we showering?”—“No, first the practice!”—“Oh, I see, yes, sure.” Now tell!

Chris: Listen. I really don’t know if I’ve already told you this, but at last year’s ESC I was wearing one of those red vinyl things, tight vinyl leggings, and, of course, as a man you must put your “sausage” down there in the middle somehow. And you don’t want to put it into your leggings leg on the left or right, you must put it in the middle somehow. But people, of course, can still see from the outside that you’re a man.

Swiss: Yes.

Chris: Then we had these ESC rehearsals, and then someone from BBC came, that is, for those who don’t know, basically the English ARD (German TV program), so, not “big black cock” here, no porn abbreviations, please, but the BBC, the—

Swiss: What’s up with you today? *laughs*

Chris: The British broadcasting company, I don’t know, corporation?

Swiss: The British—yes.

Chris: Yes.

Swiss: —backshot corporation.

Chris: They came to our ESC management and said, like, “Would it be possible—so, we are also a family show, and would it be possible for the singer of Lord Of The Lost to hide a bit more his visibly… how should we put it… like, being a man, so he could look a little bit more like a Ken doll.” And then I first thought, “Wait a moment”. Sexism also goes into completely different directions, where, I don’t know, every other (female) dancer there was half naked, so, where you could really see everything, from an ass to a camel toe, to a cleavage to the belly button, with half breasts hanging out everywhere. And then I thought—

Swiss: Does it bother you?

Chris: No, not at all. But then I thought, “Crazy, but on me nobody is allowed to see—” And it wasn’t presented prominently, it was not an outfit that screams “dick”!

Swiss: Yeah.

Chris: But you just saw a bulge at the front.

Swiss: It’s already—it’s already a bit of your toxic masculinity—

Chris: Yes, absolutely!

Swiss: —that you have to rub into everyone’s faces with your slightly thickened cock—

Chris: I am a super toxic cis man.

Swiss: Because, of course, in this moment you, yourself, really get off of being on stage there.

Chris: Fun fact: I would NEVER get a hard-on on stage. I’m way too distracted by music there. Would you—? Does that work for you?

Swiss: No, but guess what, actually in my life —and it fits a bit into that [topic] —I have never been with a prostitute yet.

Chris: Me neither.

Swiss: Hey. Props and lots of love—

Chris: Yes, I was, but I did not know!

Swiss: Really? Wait, but quickly—

Chris: But that’s a different story.

Swiss: Lots of love for the women who—

Chris: I am absolutely pro-prostitution.

Swiss: —and are up for it. As soon as it has something to do with exploitation and violence—

Chris: Of course.

Swiss: —piss off, you guys, but… Well. If women decided for themselves to make a living off it, I find that totally legitimate, totally okay, and in the end you and I prostitute ourselves as well. We sing songs that we find terrible—

Chris: *laughs*

Swiss: —we wear outfits where we can’t show our full manliness…

Chris: *sings* “Swiss and Harms…”

Swiss: Yes. *sings* “With a long Schwanz…” And, exactly, I have never been—in the past, we actually always—well, I was—

Chris: Do you quickly want to—I quickly wanted to finish the story.

Swiss: Ah, so, okay, it wasn’t finished yet.

Chris: Sorry. And we then have—well, the thing is, we then have—we tried to make it clear to them, or the management tried to make it clear to them: “What is he supposed to do? It is tight PVC leggings.” And then they said, “Well—“

Swiss: A thick cock!

Chris: Exactly. Like, “drag queens hide their cock somehow, as well, they tape it back and stuff.” And then they said that drag queens are about factoring out the masculine and looking like a woman. But Chris is not doing drag. They shut their mouth then said, “Okay”, and then during an ESC rehearsal, a public one, too, where there were also photographers there, I wore a pair of pants over it, with a cat coming out at the front, so I showed a pussy instead of a penis, and made a post about it. And I believe that it angered the BBC very much, and I can imagine that it definitely cost us a few jury points.

Swiss: Yes, do you think so?

Chris: Maybe. But it doesn’t matter either, but that was just for the topic of strange encounters, where you think “wow”—

Swiss: Hmm.

Chris: —basically the English ARD comes to you and tells you, “please hide the outside signs that you are a man.”

Swiss: Yes.

Chris: Alright. But now, please finally get to your—

Swiss: To my brothel?

Chris: To your whore.

Swiss: To my brothel legacy?

Chris: You can say “whore”, by the way ^[1].

Swiss: Okay. So, back then we—since I always lived close by, I think from 15-16 years old, we always tried to get into discos on the Kiez ^[2]. That just was like that. Cheating, forging the stamps, you knew someone at the door, who grudgingly waved you through at some point, and whatever. And—

Chris: You went in with your mother’s ID when you already had a beard, right?

Swiss: That’s the world’s oldest joke.

Chris: It was also different, I totally blew it.

Swiss: And really shitty, and dude, the original is super racist.

Chris: I know.

Swiss: I am saying that [as someone] with an oriental daughter, I don’t like that you’re doing that, but again it shows your true colors ^[3]…

Chris: *laughs* Yeah…

Swiss: On one hand for a dick on stage, and then you go against mustaches for women.

Chris: And then against friends.

Swiss: Yes, against friends anyway—

Chris: Ex-friends.

Swiss: —but you don’t know friends, you explained to me recently; you don’t have any friends, you only have employees—

Chris: Acquaintances!

Swiss: You said employees.

Chris: YOU said that! You can’t—!

Swiss: *laughs*

Chris: You—you’re just quoting yourself, dude!

Swiss: Yes, okay, but listen—

Chris: But I did the joke really badly.

Swiss: Can I finally tell my damn story?

Chris: No, yes, tell your whore story, now.

Swiss: Anyway, back then we often went through the Laufhaus ^[4]…

Chris: I have never been in there.

Swiss: And chatted up the women. Here, in the big one. And chatted up the women. And once I so fell in love with one [of them]—

Chris: I have to go in there one day, I really have never been there.

Swiss: And she’s like, “Oh, you’re really cute”, and I’m completely plastered, like “Come, I’ll get you out of here” and blah blah blah, and she’s like, “No, I’ve already seen a few times how that ends”—

Chris: How old were you there?

Swiss: I was 17, 18.

Chris: That’s cute, though, with “I’ll get you out of here.”

Swiss: Bro, a little boy, right? Aaaand, um…

Chris: “I’ll get you out of here.”

Swiss: Then I pondered, I—yes, exactly; I also had this Adel Tawil (German musician) song in my head, *sings* “Ich hol’ Dich hier raus, ich bin— na na” ^[5], and so on. Anyway, then I… pondered, could I make use of this service? And I believe I wouldn’t be able to get a boner.

Chris: Me neither, I think, no.

Swiss: Because due to it—well, it is as if you’d—so, you’re negotiating the service with a handyman! Like, “50 Euro, okay, but a blowjob is included there, right?”

Chris: So, “50 Euro with a hand, what does it cost with two fingers, 20?”

Swiss: Or “No blowjob, or maybe for 10 more, maybe also do that thing and—“You know?

Chris: Yeah.

Swiss: Then, like, “Okay, deal.” Shaking hands; you go in, then undress yourself, and then it’s such a completely technical professional action… and I couldn’t [do it], I would completely fail there —if you can call it failing—

Chris: I already find it difficult, the idea that—I don’t know, I only get horny when I think the other person finds me hot—

Swiss: Have you had that yet?

Chris: —and not when I give the other person money—well, okay, I imagined it [to be that way].

Swiss: *chuckles*

Chris: Well, I’m talking about porn! No, you know what I mean. Like this—you’re giving money to this person and you get made to believe, “Now, I find you hot”.

Swiss: That doesn’t even happen, probably! It’s like *in a bored voice* “Yeah, okay, yeah, like…” I don’t know. I think that a big part of sexuality always has to do with conquering, you know? So, I don’t know.

Chris: Well, the GAME is exciting, somehow.

Swiss: That’s what it’s about. The game is exciting and not this…

Chris: Sometimes more exciting than the thing itself.

Swiss: “I have paid”, but as I said, I know crazy “brothel heroes” who love it—

Chris: Me too.

Swiss: —meet up with friends, go to Süderstraße ^[6], have a nice evening, completely celebrate this thing…

Chris: I don’t get it.

Swiss: I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it.

Chris: I stood in the Herbertstraße ^[7] so often; I have never been in the Laufhaus yet, but in the Herbertstraße and waited for colleagues—

Swiss: At the window and have—

Chris: —from other bands, because—

Swiss: At the window and inside, and have waited for colleagues… alright, no, no, all good.

Chris: No, no, outside, or in front of the Herberststraße. For colleagues, because every time bands are in town—

Swiss: Yes, yes.

Chris: —most of the time from other countries, they want to—

Swiss: They want the fucking Herbertstraße.

Chris: — “Hey, I wanna see Herbert Street, can we go, it’s like Amsterdam!” I’m like “Yeah, of course”. Then you’re waiting for 7 minutes, then they come out, I don’t know, 300 Euros poorer and it was like… either totally awesome or—I don’t know.

Swiss: Yeah.

Chris: No, I also wouldn’t—I mean—no. I don’t get it.

Swiss: My old roommate got ripped off once so badly, she stole his wallet, and the next morning I—he told me, and I laughed so hard, he’s like, “I’ll go there now and complain.”

Chris: *in a sarcastic tone* Yeah, exactly—

Swiss: And he actually went there.

Chris: *still sarcastically*—yeah, yeah, he’s complaining.

Swiss: Dunno, but anyway, he was wild regarding these things, but I laughed so hard!

Chris: Don’t mess with St. Pauli whores.

Swiss: Hey!

Chris: And not with the pimps, either. My sister once got a knuckle sandwich from one [whore], because she was waiting for a friend at the corner in Burger King; that was many years ago when my sister was much younger, and messed with one [of them], she got beaten up so badly by the girls.

Swiss: Hey! Generally, I’m also always saying that to everyone who comes to Hamburg, sometimes, when I see these bachelor parties, too. Also recently, when I went to Ferris, the city was full of bachelor parties. And there were these guys who, “aaay!”, and you see they come from a village—

Chris: Yes.

Swiss: — They are so plastered, and I already can give the prognosis, I’m like “Boys, either all of you—

Chris: “Or two of you will get beaten up.”

Swiss: —or at least two of you, three of you will get really beaten up today”, and I always tell everyone this.

Chris: Yeah.

Swiss: I’m like, “Hey, this is St. Pauli. This is the Kiez, no matter where you’re from, regardless of which ghetto you come from, what you have seen… Bro. Here you can get a knuckle sandwich today.”

Chris: And there are a few people here, they have all known each other for a thousand years—

Swiss: And they don’t give a shit about—

Chris: —and if you don’t adhere to a few rules, you get your teeth rearranged.

Swiss: This! And they don’t give a shit about whom you know, where you come from—

Chris: Yes, yes, yes.

Swiss: —what you’ve already achieved, and you can get knifed, and if you overdo it, you can even end up in the car trunk. And I always tell people that.

Chris: Yes, just be nice and respectful, man.

Swiss: I’m like, “Have some respect!” that’s why when people think for their first time doing coke it’s cool to go to the Kiez—

Chris: Totally a good idea.

Swiss: I think, “Yeah, awesome idea, you come to the Kiez with your absolute overconfidence, and think you’re the greatest.”

Chris: Hmm.

Swiss: “Bro. Do—“

Chris: “Let’s go to Dollhouse (table dance and strip club)!” Hmm.

Swiss: Just don’t do it.

Chris: Exactly.

Swiss: Calm down a bit. And… That’s why. St. Pauli people, we, here live from St. Pauli, can say the report; that has nothing to do with us being cool guys or something—

Chris: No, but one just knows the hood! Like…

Swiss: —but one has grown up here, I have lots of friends and acquaintances here, and I can just tell you—and that also applies to me—in St. Pauli, you have to behave a bit. Because it’s not very difficult to get a knuckle sandwich here.

Chris: Else Werner will beat you up. No, I actually briefly have a question, and then a funny prostitute story at the end. I just wanted to know: on stage, because since we’re already at that topic, I have heard that SO often, from musicians from other bands, too; they say, “Hey, that was so awesome, you’re standing there at Wacken, and all of the people, and I’m singing! And I got such a hard-on because it turned me on SO much!” That doesn’t work for me at all! So, I am—I don’t know how it is for you, but I am completely disconnected from my sexuality on stage, I could never get a hard-on, because I’m just busy with the performance! Just like I don’t sneeze or cough on stage or have to take a piss, or—I don’t know, I don’t notice that, I’m just in the music. Would you [missing word] on stage—does that turn you on?

Swiss: Isn’t that metaphorically speaking anyway? Or do I actually get a hard-on?

Chris: No, I actually really asked about it, I was like, “Do you mean that literally?” He’s like, “Yes, I really got a hard-on!”, I’m like, “Wow!”

Swiss: I don’t believe that. I mean, that would never happen to me. Just like in the sauna.

Chris: Me neither! Especially—no, dude!

Swiss: Because some people say, “Yeah, in the sauna, there was a person that I found attractive, I had to put my hand in front—!” I’m like, “Never in my life!”

Chris: At 95 degrees (Celsius; around 203 degrees Fahrenheit) in the sauna with 50 people around you! Dude!

Swiss: And in the sauna—I’m looking downwards in the sauna anyway—

Chris: Yes! *sighs*

Swiss: —because in any case I don’t want to give the impression—because I go to the sauna a lot, but I don’t want to give the impression that I would gawk somewhere, you know?

Chris: No, I—oh god, eh.

Swiss: And I’m always looking downwards very-very shyly, dude, I-I don’t know. Bro, but people—

Chris: In the sauna I have to—sorry, what?

Swiss: People are different.

Chris: Yes, of course. I also always have to look away in the sauna, because the problem is that I have to take off my glasses, I don’t see anything anyway, then.

Swiss: Okay.

Chris: But when I look into the room then and look at someone, and I see the people very blurry… But they see me eyeballing them and don’t get that I actually don’t see them.

Swiss: Yes.

Chris: I couldn’t even see any of their genitals.

Swiss: Yes.

Chris: Because I’m so near-sighted.

Swiss: Yup.

Chris: That’s why I always have to look at the ceiling somehow. Yeah, but look, one funny— a really nice, dumb Chris-story at the end: that was—I think I was around 19 or something then. I had relatively freshly broken up with my first girlfriend—during my school years, I had a girlfriend for many, many years, from a really young age —that means I was single and then I started wanting to experience wild things, and I worked on all these Michael Ammer (famous event host known as the “party king”) parties.

Swiss: You told me last time already.

Chris: Exactly, and among others I also was at the Valentino’s (nightclub that was located at the Valentinskamp), that’s where—

Swiss: OOOH! I’ve partied a lot there too!

Chris: *laughs* Yes, like, Valentinskamp, all that jazz.

Swiss: They always had Jam FM (a radio broadcasting company aimed at a younger audience) parties. Okay, go on, sorry.

Chris: Exactly. And [I] brought drinks in the VIP area and stuff, and, well, I worked there. And I already was very flamboyant back then, with colorful hair, shaved eyebrows, makeup, topless, and let’s go. And I was able to work there. And there I met a—I think young people would say “MILF”—

Swiss: Hmm.

Chris: She might have been at my current age.

Swiss: I recently got flirted by a GILF.

Chris: A GILF?

Swiss: Yeah.

Chris: Mhm, a granny?

Swiss: Yeah. A granny.

Chris: [inaudible]

Swiss: Yeah, go on, sorry.

Chris: Well, so, a cougar? Yes, exactly! Well, this—she might have been, I don’t know how old, for me she was old back then. She might have been around 40, I was 19. And I found her super hot, I was single and thought, “Doesn’t matter”, and after work she asked, “What do you—do you want it” and stuff, and “Are you coming to my place?” I’m like, “Gotcha”, got into her Porsche and—

Swiss: She had a Porsche?

Chris: Mhm, a Porsche—

Swiss: Would you say it’s a stereotype that got confirmed there?

Chris: A total stereotype. And then we went to Othmarschen (wealthy district near Altona)—

Swiss: Oooh. The next stereotype! And her husband was on a business trip!

Chris: No, no, no husband!

Swiss: Crazy.

Chris: Huge house, single, Othmarschen, close to a mall, all super rich; and then she asked, “Hey, are you going to stay with me for a few days? I have three days off.” I’m like, “Hey, it’s Friday, I have to go back to school on Monday”, I was in my final year!

Swiss: *laughs*

Chris: And she’s like—

Swiss: “I’ll drive you there.”

Chris: And she’s like, “Yeah, whatever, come, just call in sick” and stuff. And I’m like, “I don’t have any clothes”, I’m like—she’s like, “I’ll buy you everything.” I’m like, “Okay, tomorrow is Saturday, we still can go shopping”, I’m like: “Okay, doesn’t matter.”

Swiss: You toy boy, you were probably her toy boy.

Chris: Yes, yes, yes, I was at her place for three days—

Swiss: Cool!

Chris: —had the time of my life, and then she said afterwards, “I have to work tomorrow, though.” I’m like, “Where do you work, by the way?” And then she said, “Well, let’s put it that way: if you had booked me, it would have been a really expensive extended weekend for you.”

Swiss: Haha, okay.

Chris: That means I WAS with a prostitute—

Swiss: Okay.

Chris: —but without knowing it.

Swiss: But in any case she established an amazing game for herself.

Chris: Yes she was—she then told me where she was working. In the area of Othmarschen, Blankenese, there are a few detached houses with a red lamp in front of them, which are basically these luxury brothels.

Swiss: Okay.

Chris: And she worked in one of them, and because she was already older, I don’t know, she was the bawd, right?

Swiss: Yeah.

Chris: Who still handled her regular clients. And for me, that was—of course, I got out of there; I believe I didn’t tell the story to anyone. But I’m just telling you it.

Swiss: Yeah.

Chris: It stays between us.

Swiss: *laughs* I just wanted to say! Because it’s always very intimate here.

Chris: But it’s a—I find it incredibly entertaining, now and back then. And I met her again years later, around ten years later at a party, because she was also at these fancy parties occupationally.

Swiss: Hmm.

Chris: She got booked there, hostess-like, and she recognized me, I recognized her, we just passed each other, nodded to each other, professionally, and went on our way. That was—that was quite funny.

Swiss: You were already a musician back then?

Chris: I was already a musician then.

Swiss: You’re like, “Look, I’m also prostituting myself.”

Chris: Exactly. Now she has to—well, now she definitely is a “GILF.”

Swiss: She’s a GILF now.

Chris: Look, it’s been 25 years.

Swiss: Yeah. She is now…

Chris: Mid 60s.

Swiss: Dude! Nuh?

Chris: I have to find out what she’s called!

Swiss: I also have to go soon.

Chris: And then I’ll check—where did you meet this GILF? Sorry. You have to go? What’s with your GILF, though?

Swiss: In my neighborhood.

Chris: In your neighborhood.

Swiss: She started a conversation about Hermine.

Chris: Mhm. Hermine is who, for the people who don’t know that?

Swiss: My dog.

Chris: Mhm.

Swiss: I don’t even want to continue telling it, I already told it all people whom it—

Chris: Okay.

Swiss: —could interest.

Chris: Hermine is a he?

Swiss: Hermine is—please!

Chris: You could really gender [the] dog sometimes.

Swiss: Hermine-in? (In German, the feminine form of many terms has the ending “-in”, but that doesn’t apply to names.)

Chris: *laughs*

Swiss: And… exactly, I have to go now, Christian.

Chris: Okay. Yes, then go.

Swiss: Hey, I wish you a nice tour, wish me a nice tour, as well.

Chris: Yes; first and foremost, I wish you a healthy tour start.

Swiss: “Mashallah^[8]”, we say here in Northern Germany.

Chris: Wallah.

Swiss: Till then.

Chris: Bye.

 

 

 [1]: Even though people often use it as an insult, the German word “Hure” (literally “whore”) is a word that can actually be used for prostitutes without being offensive, while other words like “Nutte”, are offensive for prostitutes, because it has the connotation of being cheap. In the mind of most people, “Hure” and “Nutte” are insults, so in German, they usually say “Prostituierte” (“prostitute”) or “Sexarbeiter*in” (“sex worker”), and most people don’t know that “Hure” is not a slur.

 [2]: “Kiez” is a northern German word for “district” or “neighborhood”, but at the same time it’s only used for certain districts of certain cities; usually the area surrounding the red-light district. In Hamburg, the Kiez is the area in St. Pauli surrounding the Reeperbahn.

 [3]: He did not mean that seriously, and Chris had mocked the original racist “joke” on purpose. The original is about Turkish teens keeping their mustache, so they can enter bars with their mother’s ID.

 [4]: A “Laufhaus” (“walking house”) is a kind of brothel where sex workers can rent a room. If they are ready to welcome a client, they either keep the door to their room open or there is a sign at the door. Potential clients can walk through the hallways and negotiate prices and services with the sex worker, who gets the entirety of the money; the owner just gets the rent.

 [5]: “I’ll take you out of here, I am— na na” He quotes the lyrics slightly wrong; the song is called “Prison Break Anthem”.

 [6]: A street in the district of Hamm that is famous for street prostitution and also for the “Babylon”, a sauna club that has been the biggest brothel of Hamburg for a decade.

 [7]: A gated street directly off the Reeperbahn, where women and minors are not allowed to enter, since the entire street consists of brothels, and the sex workers there are often sitting behind the windows, hailing potential clients.

 [8]: The Islamic “Mā schā' Allāh” (“as Allah wanted”) got shortened and used as a term of respect and gratitude. Young people use if often and lightly, just like “Wallah” (“I swear to Allah”).

 

 

Translation: Margit Güttersberger, Elisabeth «Kurojuki» Czermack, Jari Witt

Proofreading: Gaëlle Darde