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Where is Nik?

 

(Note: a few parts were either inaudible or non-understandable.)

 

Chris: Welcome to LordCast number 6, today in German again, today is in German, sorry guys, next time's gonna be in English again. And today with us for the first time, in person, not via phone…

Pi: Boah!

Chris: Nik!

*cheering*

Gared: The one- one and lonely.

Nik: Yes, exactly.

Pi: One and lonely!

Chris: And this also brings us to this evening's first topic, "Where is Nik?". We get asked so often where Nik is, where Nik were…

Gared: Where is @Kahlschlag?

Chris: Yes. Now, tell us, Nik, why- where- where- where- where are you always, actually?

Pi: Here!

Gared: Good. That's clarified, next topic!

Class: Over here, on the other side of the table.

Nik: Erm, well, I'm not a Hamburg citizen. I'm not from here, I'm from very far away.

Gared: Yes…

Nik: So, 248 kilometres it is, I believe.

Gared: Is that already below the white sausage equator? (With this term northern Germans describe the south of Germany, referring to Bavarian white sausage.)

Nik: I don't know, where is the white sausage equator?

Gared: That is, er, subjective. Seen from Hamburg-

Chris: South of the Elbe.

Gared: Exactly. Seen from Hamburg, it is south of the Elbe, from Hanover-

Nik: And from Munich?

Gared: Seen from Hanover it is south of Göttingen, so Göttingen is the border, and...

Chris: Seen from Munich, north of the Elbe.

Pi: North of the Elbe!

Gared: Seen from Munich, there is nothing else except- that is like the Americans, that also (1:04).............(inaudible) 

Pi: Exactly, I just wanted to say, if the people say that Berlin is northern Germany then you are sure to be below the white sausage equator.

Chris: That's right.

Gared: That is correct.

Nik: No, I'm coming from the Harz. I'm living quite central. On the one hand that is really convenient, because I get everywhere relatively fast, so, I'm faster in Munich than you, for example,-

Gared: You don’t notice that. 

 

(1:23) 

Pi: You’re also faster in Italy than we are.

Nik: I am a lot faster in Italy; so, to be precise…

Chris: You are also faster in Nigeria than we are.

Nik: …two- two- two and a- two and a half hours I'm faster in Italy than you.

Gared: But you are not faster in Denmark than us.

Nik: Er, no, indeed, I'm not.

Chris: Or Oslo. So.

Nik: Although I'm faster in Denmark than the ones from Munich.

Gared: But…

Pi: That has got advantages and disadvantages, as I see...

Nik: Erm. Exactly.

Pi: …unless you don't want to go to Denmark.

Nik: Yes. Or you don't want to live where I live. But I like living there.

Gared: Where do you live, by the way?

Nik: And, er, in the Harz. In Osterode.

Chris: Osterode in the ass. ("Arsch", meaning "ass" sounds vaguely similar to "Harz")

Nik: In the South Harz.

Chris: But Osterode is BY the Harz.

Nik: Yes, by the Harz.

Gared: BY the Harz, IN the Harz…

Nik: So, I enter- if I enter my car and…

Chris: You've got a car? How can you afford that?

Nik: I actually got asked that question by someone recently.

Gared: He is rich since he is a full-time member. 

Pi: I‘ve yet to get there… I have something nice ahead still. 

Nik: Erm, yes, despite being a musician I have got a car... and, er... if I betake myself into that car and drive for ten minutes, I'm in the midst of the Harz.

Gared: And that's why you live...

Nik: next to the Harz.  

Gared: Actually, I envy you a bit for that, because, even if I have chosen this city since 12 years as my... I'll say, residence... I am- actually I'd find mountains much cooler than flat and seaside and water and all that shit, but...

Nik: I'm really fond of being…

Gared: I'll come to visit you some time!

Nik: ...I'm really fond of being here in Hamburg with you, which is primarily because of you, but it- no, it is also just because Hamburg is just a great city, but in fact I could only hardly imagine really living here, because in fact this… well, this isn't a solitude, but- I mean back home they fold up the sidewalks at 8 pm.

Chris: You can leave out the "Ein". (Wordplay, "Einöde" means "solitude" or "wasteland", while "öde" means "dull"/"barren".)

Pi: Easter Island by the Harz. (Wordplay with "Osterinsel" ("Easter Island") and "Osterode" sounding similar).

Nik: No, so, I like that quite much, in fact, living in such a small town and, erm, I've got enough hustle and bustle all throughout the year, that is why it's good like that.

Gared: Urban form of isolation.

Nik: Yes. But the disadvantage is just, that I can't be here as often, of course...

Gared: Yes.

Nik: ...and thus I'm here for the first time, I mean... in the...

Class: *yawns*

Nik: LordCast.

Class: Heeeeey.

Chris: And also at the songwriting camp.

Pi: True!

Chris: Because we just- we don't want to tell you about that yet; at first we considered to already tell you a bit about the songwriting camp, but we found it kind of absurd to tell you about the - from your point of view - album after the next, which we also don't want to yet...

Pi: Yes.

Chris: ...but you can- I mean, just to say it again, we also posted a photo for that today, but you don't have to be worried if you see him less or hear him less...

Gared: Or smell.

Chris: ...or you see that he isn't there with us that often, then that is not because he doesn't love us, I mean he does- I mean...

Gared: He doesn't, anyway.

Nik: No, I mean, pffff.

Chris: He does love us. It is also not because...

Pi: Just in a different way.

Chris: ...that we don't love him, we don't love him anyway, he's just a drummer, after all, BUT... No, it is- in other words, everything is fine.

Nik: That is the reason for my belly being bigger than all of yours together, so when you see me, you have got more of me.

Gared: Ah.

Class: Hm.

Pi: I see.

Chris: I see.

Gared: I see. Cuddle mass, so.

Pi: Yes. Shell cash register. (Wordplay; "Kuschelmasse" means "cuddle mass", "Muschelkasse" means "shell cash register")

Chris: Oh, that is also a nice topic, by the way.

Pi: Shell cash registers?

Chris: Yes, I mean these words that you can turn around.

Gared: Right.

Chris: When the initial letters- so, that is- I'm keeping a list there.

Pi: Yes.

Gared: You want to read it out entirely now?

Chris: No, but there needs to- we can also talk about that soon.

Pi: Yes. Maybe we can compose a book some time, because we are actually really good at finding such words.

Gared: You- you mean in the-

Pi: ...and always TRY to find words

Gared: In the next CordLast.

Chris: In the next CordLast, yes.

Nik: If you turn that around...

Pi: That sounds like a car.

Nik: ...I mean, with the letters, you get LordCast.

Chris: So-

Gared: Sometimes I hate you so much.

Chris: So, you see how it is now, if you have a word that's composed of two and you interchange the initial letters, like, for example, at podcast. Then you'll get codpast there, which is also something like kot past ("Kot" means "dung"), and then you can search for meanings, that is virtually the past of crap. Is Kot past?

Pi: Yeah.

Gared: Hm. Tasty. I mean, so, what- so, that was food before.

Chris: Exactly.

Pi: from dung- dung past is food.

Gared: Minced meat becomes crap later, it is said. (In German, "Aus Hackepeter wird Kacke später" is a rhyme. Hackepeter is a seasoned minced meat that is eaten raw, mostly on bread rolls, with onions.)

Chris: I see.

Gared: So.

Pi: To get lyrical.

Chris: Yes. So, I would- 

Pi: lytical.

Gared: pötical (in German you pronounce “oe” as “ö” … so, he says po-etic…but says “pötic”)

Pi: pötical.

Chris: I would get the word list later and provide you with some of my favorite turn-around-words...

Gared: Oh yes, please. 

Nik: I'd love that.

Chris: ...how is something like that called? That's not an anagram, then, or- that is a... er...

Gared: Word twisting?

Chris: Well, that is....

Gared: Shit, I think there is actually a word for that, even.

Pi: That is when you lix up the metters (he mixed up the letters in this sentence, since he said "Vechstaben verbuchselt" instead of "Buchstaben verwechselt")

Gared: Lix up the metters, exactly.

Chris: Across-o-gram, maybe.

Pi: mix-up-o-ogramm.

Nik: And those who use that very often are troublemakers. (word play; "quer" means "across", "Querulant" means "troublemaker", so in the following text "troublemakers" refers to these mixed up words)

Pi: Yes.

Chris: True. Yeah, no, I thought that was an interval. Something between a fourth and a fifth, troublemaker, but- (in German, that makes more sense, since "Quarte", "Quinte" and "Querulant" are more similar.)

Pi: A... dimin...a dis- a diminished querulant. A disabled...

Chris: A retarded troublemaker. (In German, "verminderter" ("diminished") and "behinderter" ("retarded") rhyme)

Pi: Retarded troublemaker.

Chris: My favorite interval!

Gared: Or also- I thought a retarded troublemaker is a keyboardist.

Nik: Yes!

Chris: No, that maybe to simply resolve this "where is Nik?" question once and for all, although we have to say, we are a bit happy when you always ask where Nik is.

Pi: Yes.

Chris: Maybe you could just ask in the comments where Nik is, sometimes, even if he can be seen.

Pi: Yeah, ask!

Chris: That would be much funnier.

Gared: And he always has to come up with an answer, always something completely abstruse.

Chris: That is super.

Nik: Maybe I myself ask!

Gared: Now, that would be completely- c-

Nik: Unfortunately that happens to me often enough, though, right?

Gared: *imitating Nik* Where am I?

Pi: Oh yes.

Gared: Oh.

Chris: Where- where- where- where am I, by the way?

Gared: So many stories that come to my mind.

Chris: We also had another topic that some of you brought to the table earlier, I- and to be honest, I don't know exactly how I have to take this: first times?

Gared: Literally.

Pi: For the first time you are taking it now.

Gared: Yes.

Pi: Alright.

Chris: Wha- wha- who came up with the topic? Er...

Pi: I came up with the topic.

Nik: Pi; Pi is the culprit.

Chris: Pi! Do you want to tell us anything or what is... erm, what is-what do you want?

Pi: Well, I thought we just talk about first times, that c- is born from the- the... the situation that Nik is here for the first time, erm-

Chris: But, do you mean Dr.-Sommer-like or first times in general? ("Dr. Sommer" ("Dr. Summer") is the pseudonym of a team of doctors and psychologists that answer sex-related questions for readers of the teen magazine "Bravo")

Pi: Well, for example-

Chris: Do you even still know who Dr. Sommer is?

Pi: Yes, of course, I have- admittedly I have never read the Bravo- yes, I have actually read the Bravo for the first time recently.

Chris: Okay, then I'll ask you- does it still exist?

Pi: No, no shit, it still exists. There is also still-

Gared: Are there still the naked girls in there?

Pi: Noo, there are no nude pictures in there anymore, really dumb.

Chris: Oh, the people that take these beautiful pictures of themselves with the self-timers.

Pi: Yep.

Nik: Yes, yes.

Gared: Yes. Nice.

Pi: Yes, yes, exactly. That isn't in there anymore, but no, like, first times in general, like. Best and worst, like worst and nicest first times, that hasn't got to be the thing everyone always thinks about, namely...

Gared: Sex.

Pi: ... Se... here...sexing... (the word he used here means "sex" like in "gender", not like in "intercourse")

Nik: Meating! (no typo)

 Pi: You can also put it that way.

Chris: Boah, there I meated nicely!

Gared: Nicely meated for breakfast!

Chris: Does that also work as a vegetarian? Can one also meat as a vegetarian?

Gared: No.

Pi: No.

Gared: Vegetarians-

Pi: Soyed. Tofued.

Gared: But vegetarians also don't have sex.

Pi: Tofued.

Chris: I see. Oh.

Gared: I see.

Chris: I see, now I understand it.

Pi: So, they don't have a first time.

Nik: Why are there so many of them, then? They have to reproduce somehow.

Gared: That is a self-solving problem.

Chris: Mitosis.

Nik: Hm.

Pi: Ah.

Gared: Meat-trousers? ("Meat-Hose"; sounds similar to "Mitose" ("mitosis"))

Nik: A pair of meat trousers!

Chris: Meat trousers! Meat trousers?

Pi: A pair of meat trousers!

Chris: (8:05) ...................(inaudible). As you see, that-

Gared: Okay, it goes downhill. (The literal translation would be "Okay, it tears")

Nik: That would be something.

Chris: Who, what? The trousers?

Pi: Or rental trousers would be a really- a really bad business idea. ("Miet-Hose" ("rental trousers") sounds like "Meat-Hose")

Nik: Actually I just thought about there being a rent (Miete) but... 

Chris: First times!

Nik: Let's talk about that again later.

Chris: Anyhow, I'm in at this first-times-thing; so, you start; I can't think of-

Gared: I'm in, you start.

Chris: Yes, any first time, now.

Gared: After me, I'll follow you!

Chris: Yes.

*laughter*

Chris: Yes. Shut up when you're talking to me.

Pi: The- the first time seeing Gerrit, really annoying.

Gared: Oh shit.

Pi: Really annoying.

Gared: And it hasn't changed since then.

Nik: Now, tell us, Pi, how was it when you saw Gerrit for the first time?

Pi: I don't know when I saw you for the first time.

Gared: Erm, on the "Make Love, Make War" tour?

Pi: No, shortly before that, in fact.

Gared: So, I, for example, if I may briefly tell that from my perspective...

Pi: Yes, of course.

Gared: ...erm, saw you, immediately was completely, er, was, erm... immediately had a buddy of mine from the hometown in my mind's eye, who, at that time, or to whom you bore an uncanny resemblance at that time. Like, and still do a bit, face-wise, I assume.

Chris: Not that much anymore because you have gotten fatter.

Gared: Exactly.

Pi: Yes, exactly, I have gotten much fatter, I have... lost... ten kilograms...

Gared: But that was really like- fuck…. 

Pi: ...at some places and put them to other places.

Nik: Yes.

Gared: Yes, one-to-one, the spitting image, also like, that you have slightly... Afro-y hair, so slightly more voluminous in total, I thought…

Pi: Yes, that was all more voluminous before.

Gared: Yeah, that is really...

Pi: Yes, and that was in fact the first time that I agreed with someone that another person really looks like me, because usually one likes to see that like... no, like...

Gared: Yes.

Pi: ...I don't perceive that much of a resemblance then, that was in fact the first time...

Gared: That was funny.

Pi: ...that I perceived that in the same way and thought "Yes, the guy actually does look like..."

Gared: Somehow.

Pi: ..."like me."

Nik: Then it was TWO first times.

Pi: And probably for the first time two first times. No, although...

Gared: What the f...?

Pi: ...no, many people had their first time together for the first time, I believe. In some regards.

Nik: Yes, but I mean for you, now. Two first times at once. I mean because, the first time seeing Gerrit and the first time, like...

Pi: Yes, that was really a sensory overload.

Gared: That goes without saying... I hear that- I hear that often!

Pi: Too much of everything.

*Silence*

Gared: Well.

Chris: Of nose, you mean.

Gared: Zum Bleistift.

Nik: I wouldn‘t say that. 

Pi: For example. (Actually, he says "zum Bleistift" ("for a pencil") instead of "zum Beispiel" ("for example"); Germans commonly jokingly do that.)

Nik: I had to think about that for the whole time!

Gared: It can't be penis.

Chris: But is that actually true with, er, "at a man's nose...” I mean, do you have a... (In German, there is a saying that at a man's nose you can know his penis)

Nik: ...you know his ears?

Chris: I mean, so you have a relatively big, hook shaped... beak down there, or...?

Gared: Ermmmm...

Chris: Does it make funny noises when you blow it? (The word "ausschnupfen" specifically means "blowing your nose", not getting a blowjob.)

Gared: Oh!

Pi: Yes. It does.

Gared: Oooh god. And there also goes much in there- I mean, there comes much out of there.

Pi: "Goes much in there"?

Gared: What? Yeah, no!

Pi: Everyone has got one fetish free!

Chris: I think I'll never understand that.

Gared: No.

Chris: By the way, why do we always talk about- to- I- I-

Nik: Well, I'm here.

Pi: I don't know, but there was the- the, er, I know that from a friend, the google search word, you put in five times the letter g and then pressed enter. And then, when you clicked on pictures, you got a picture of a person inserting an AA battery...

Chris: I'll try that.

Pi: That doesn't work anymore. I... already tried that.

Gared: Oh.

Pi: Erm, after I discovered it for the first time.

Chris: For the first time.

Pi: I mean, my...

Gared: Ah, that is (11:17).............(inaudible)

Nik: .............(inaudible)

Pi: ...a friend of mine....

Gared: has read it.

Pi: ...inserting an AA battery into his urethra- into his...

Gared: Into his ureth-... shi-...!

Pi: ... into his willy.

Chris: I'd like to know how one should manage to do that.

Pi: I also wouldn't know how an AA...

Gared: Lots of preparation.

Pi: ...not AAA, but AA battery, like, a completely normal battery, how you...

Gared: ...how they go into every vibrator.

Pi: Yes.

Chris: Does one get them in as far as to connect the contacts by the flesh, so one gets, like, a nice whuuuuuaaaah?

Gared: Probably that is exactly the goal.

Pi: You, I've got no clue.

Gared: How- how have we gotten here?

Pi: By first times.

Chris: I would even have difficulties with a small button cell.

Pi: Yes, well, that's...

Nik: Yes, of course, that is even worse than an AAA.

Class: No, there are these very small ones.

Chris: These very small button...

Nik: Are there even smaller ones than AAA?

Chris: Yes, yes.

Class: Yes, they are like............G (12:00) (inaudible)

Gared: Like, half a finger nail.

Chris: I mean these small button cells that go into ...a watch or something.

Class: Into a laser pointer or something.

Nik: Yes, but they still have a diameter, though.

Pi: No! Not really.

Chris: Yes, but there are also some like- also some like this, I mean, there are some really tiny ones.

Class: They are smaller than this G (? AG13 or GS13 is the “name” of a certain button cell, it’s the most common one, I think)

Pi: And they are like this, what we show here is really small.

Gared: That is very small, of course.

Chris: Even there I's have-

Nik: No, I won't even bother with such small things.

Chris: So, I'd have problems in general, I have to say, with...

Pi: Yes!

Nik: Yes!

Chris: ...with having things being inserted into my member.

Nik: There is a technical term for that, that is- although, no, I think, there is the term "cock stuffing".

Gared: Oh yeah?

Nik: Erm, but I think .............(12:27) (inaudible)

Pi: I think that was like a holiday thing at Thanksgiving or something.

Nik: Also. Also.

Gared: Oh man.

Nik: But I think that was about- ah no, that is-

Gared: Why do you KNOW such things?

Nik: Er… *silence*

Gared: Next topic! Ah, no! No!

Nik: I'm asking for a friend.

Gared: You didn't even ask.

Chris: And what- right, are you at the 19 inch ride cymbal by now?

Pi: *pained noise*

Nik: Noo! I- No.

Gared: Well, 19 inch ride cymbals are really perverse, too.

Nik: Also, I don't want to try that. Not with 8 inch, either, not even with a button cell.

Pi: But you want to put your willy...

Nik: Of which I don't even know that it exists. 

Pi: ...your willy through the hole.

Nik: Also- yes.

Pi: But well.

Class: That only just works.

Gared: With a nice, splintered drumstick. Oh, sorry.

Chris: Nice 5B hickory, played for a show, krrrrrk.

Gared: Yeah, yeah.

Class: Ahhhhhhh!

Chris: Okay. Okay, well, but that to the topic of first times by.............(inaudible)

Nik: So that- that's how it works,...

Gared: I- I think, I- I think, I-

Nik: ...when one joins in talking with you, aha.

Gared: I will - I think - have vomited for the first time soon, if we continue talking about that.

Pi: I mean, it develops-

Chris: That is future perfect; at sunrise.

Pi: I will have vomited at sun...

Gared: I- I- b...

Pi: Yes, it always develops its own dynamics with this.

(Agreeing noises)

Nik: I see that.

Pi: With AA batt- AA batteries.

Gared: Yeah.

Pi: That go into somewhere.

Chris: How did we get to that topic?

Nik: First times.

Pi: Nik is at the LordCast for the first time.

(Laughter)

Gared: He's got to get deflorated hard now.

Nik: I see that.

Chris: Anyway, now I understand why people wr- er, write that they'd find this podcast entertaining.

Pi: Yes.

Chris: I understand that.

Pi: I mean we have already laughed a lot now, but................. (13:49)

Nik: I also understand why we get accused of sexism or something...?

Gared: Nope.

Chris: Wer- were we sexist?

Nik: No, right, we weren't sexist yet.

Pi: No, that-

Gared: Yet.

Chris: Oh! On that point, for a second,...

Pi: Yes.

Chris: For those out th- some out there-I hope not too many, but... many think sexist means if you...

Gared: Talking about sex.

Chris: ...if you talk about sex. Or- or- or- or... make perverted jokes.

Gared: Yes.

Chris: That is wrong!

Pi: Right.

Chris: Yes. So, please google the topic of sexism, very, very...

Pi: Yes.

Chris: ... very, very important.

Nik: I'll correct myself. Did we get accusations yet of there being filthy stuff going on here?

Pi: Nope.

Chris: Nope.

Pi: The- the podcast is registered as... eeer, X-rated at spotify.

Chris: Is it?

Pi: Yes.

Nik: Heeeeeyyyyy.

Gared: That was very wise.

Pi: Yes.

Nik: Yes. Absolutely.

Chris: You choose wisely!

Pi: Yeah.

Class: Code is 0000.

Pi: There is no 0. At Netflix there is also this child safety lock, code is 0000.

Chris: Now, who has another first time?

Class: So, I met Gerrit on another day, for the first time.

Gared: Whoaaa, what the fuck, really?

Class: Yes.

Gared: Crazy!

Pi: I've also got another first time, because I'm just seeing Klaas' freshly done tattoo,...

Class: Yes! Go for it!

Pi: For the people who are tattooed here, erm, how is- do you still remember your first tattoo, I mean, primarily that's my question for Chris, because you have got by far the very, very most tattoos here.

Chris: That was three years ago, my first tattoo, I had just gotten 18,...

Gared: And also everything is only one Tattoo, actually.

Chris: And I have to-

Nik: Yes, it- it is only one.

Pi: It hast to be viewed as a total artwork!

Gared: Oh, yes.

Chris: It is actually-

Gared: ...................................... (15:13)

Chris: The question is actually difficult to answer, "How many tattoos do you have?", because at one point...

Pi: Yes.

Chris: ...you stop counting, it just grows together.

Class: Yes.

Chris: Erm, my first tattoo was this beautiful tribal back here, er,...

Pi: Ah, there!

Chris: ...on the shoulder blade and I honestly have to admit - I think I did never tell that yet - ...

Pi: Yeah, cool!

Chris: Erm, well, when I was 18, one wasn't heavily tattooed up to the neck yet, but one was already really badass having a small tattoo on the back of your-

Nik: So, three years ago.

Class:........(I think he only said “Shoulder”).......  (15:40)

Gared: Just wanted to say that, three years ago, 2017 was a heck of a year.

Chris: So, 1998. What I initially wanted to do, I wanted to have belly button piercing.

Pi: Really?

Chris: Yes.

Pi: Awesome!

Chris: I found it- I found it really cool. And then I went to the tattoo studio, to the oldest tattoo st- tattoo studio in Germany ("Älteste Tätowierstube in Deutschland") - that is also it's name - which I am loyal since then, which I had found through the Yellow Pages, because I thought, like...

Class: Tatto-

Pi: Cool.

Chris: In 1998, it wasn't that great searching on the internet and also not everyone has it at home and especially not on the smartphone, because they don't exist yet. And then you think like, "tattoo, oh, oldest tattoo studio, has to be good". There I met Günter, then,...

Pi: Hm.

Chris: The old owner who isn't the owner anymore since a year or so, by now, and I made friends with him there and I went there, felt comfortable there and I said "You, I'd like to have... a belly button piercing." He's like "Eh, but you aren't a girl."

Gared: That's for the subject of sexism.

Pi: Yes. That is also a really important- a really big topic.

Gared: First-class sexist.

Chris: And then I, erm, said, "Yes, but I want one, anyway", I don't know why, I found it cool somehow, I always found this kind of girly shit funny on myself.

Gared: Yes, because you are gay.

Chris: Well, I wanted- and then he said "that doesn't work", because at that time I had no fat at all on my belly. So he says "That'll grow out", that- that was just too little. Then he says "Well, do a tongue piercing!", I'm like "Eh?", that was too much for me. And that was shortly before the school trip to Rome, If I'd... with a tongue like that... (incomprehensible mumbling)

Gared: You know, with a swollen flap in your face...

Pi: (incomprehensible mumbling)

Chris: And I didn't find it that cool, too; also somehow I always didn't find snogging people with a tongue piercing that cool.

Pi: No, me neither.

Chris: And... then he said "well, do a tattoo.", So, he asked "why do you want that?" and then I- right, I said, "I would like to do something bad-ass". He's like "That's a legitimate reason, you're 18. So, do a tattoo, then", I'm like "dunno". Yeah, then on the next day in class I somehow drew a beautiful tribal for myself.

Pi: Ah, YOU drew that for yourself!

Nik: But self-drawn.

Chris: I did all of- I drew all of that myself,...

Pi: Kay.

Chris: ...always like that, ne. And then I went there. Well, and then to Rome, no, wore- there, even if the weather wasn't always that great, I always wore a white tank top, so you could see it, came back with a proper cold and then...

Pi: (laughing) Cool!

Nik: But you looked cool.

Chris: Yes, yes, exactly, great, the main thing is that you see nice, dyed blond hair, cool yellow glasses, tattoo on the arm.

Gared: It... just screams 90s.

Chris: Yes and three months later I sat there again and then... the next tribal came and another one and then slowly grew down the arms somehow and... I don't know why, usually I find tribals totally ugly, but that was the end of the 90s, then- I found it really cool then and now it's just okay, because it belongs to me.

Pi: Yes.

Chris: But if I were...

Gared: Well, you're old.

Chris: ...un- untainted now, I would take a cool concept and choose a cool full body motif of different pictures or real-

Nik: Or a tramp stamp. (the literal translation of "Arschgeweih" would be "ass antlers").

Chris: Of course.

Gared: On the chest!

(Laughter)

Chris: Exactly!

Pi: Why, he has it!

Nik: Chest antlers.

Class: With "ass" tattooed.

Nik: Looks like it spelled "Lord", but...

Gared: Actually it is just... a, well, hm...

Nik: Yes, It was a slip-up after all.

Chris: Yes, what, erm, whar, er, or what were... other first tattoos here? Say, tell us.

Class: Yeah, eeeerm... well, if I- I don't know...

Pi: Please.

Nik: I know you, spill it!

Chris: Klaas is also there. Come on, the fly on your glans also counts, Nik.

Nik: I see! Yes, so it was like that...

Chris: I see, that wasn't a tattoo, that was a real one, okay.

Class: Er, my tattoo, my first one, is, er... this... kinda yin and yang sign out of two bass clefs, that... in, er, at writing notes...

Chris: With 5 "s" by the way, "bass clef" ("Bassschlüssel").

Class: Ah! Yes.

Gared: But not one after another, right?

Class: Erm, I always wanted to have a tattoo, but always wasn't too sure somehow, so, like, uh, that has to me something that one has to feel good about for one's whole life or- dunno, er, that was ...2005 and, erm, there I was with my rockabilly band, rockabilly bluesrock band, B-Attitude(????)...

Chris: Crazy!

Pi: B-Attitude.(19:32) (He says it like “Badittude”) 

Class: Yeah. And there we played the tattoo convention that we also...

Chris: In the Markthalle? ("market hall")

Class: Yes. ...played a few years later with Lord Of The Lost. And then we rocked around there for the whole weekend, erm, and that was for Endless Pain, no, this goes out to Frank Krabbenhöft in the house. (Frank Krabbenhöft is the owner of the tattoo and piercing studio "Endless Pain" in Hamburg)

Pi: shoutout!

Class: By the way, Chris coincidentally has the logo of Endless Pain... (they are talking about this logo: http://www.endlesspain.com/media/filer_public/2013/03/29/drache2.png )

Chris: I'm going to tell that in a minute!

Class: I see. Excuse me. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Chris: Unintentionally,  I'm going to tell that in a minute.

Class: Unintentionally, yes.

Chris: Yes.

Class: And, erm, there we played and then they said "Boys, for payment you're getting a tattoo by me, no?"

Pi: Cool.

Chris: Wow.

Pi: Then the boys said "We are all already fully tattooed and I want to have that hula woman from another one ant the hot rod that I still need comes from someone else." They were such oldschool guys, like with, er... with, er, spiderwebs, right, hula girls,...

Gared: And dice!

Class: ...dice,...

Gared: Very important, dice and playing cards.

Class: And here, this strange zombie that sits in a hot rod and...

Gared: Of course!

Chris: ...and already has got a thousand tattoos.

Class: Yes, exactly....................(20:27)

Gared: The whole shebang and everything blatantly kept in green and red or something like that.

Class: So, actually I was the only one rockabilly there, man, properly with a pompadour and such. And then they said "You know what, Klaas? Here, you take our tattoos. Get something really nice done." And then I, like, together with my father, er, constructed the design and then- 

Chris: How old were you there?

Gared: *in a high-pitched voice* 12.

Gared: Two-thousand and-... 21.

Class: 21? 21... erm... and, I believe- no, 25.

Gared: No, right, 25, 2005, you said, sorry.

Chris: I was- I was 25 there, 2005.

Class: Then I was...

Chris: So, you're a few years younger than me.

Gared: Then you were 23.

Class: Then I was 23.

Pi: Yes.

Class: Well, somehow I was like...

Nik: ..............................(21:06)

Class: ...mid-twenties somewhere. Yeah, and then outright that one, because I thought, if I want to have a tattoo, I can't do anything halfway, and still I didn't want it... virtually on my forehead, on my neck or on my hands. And then I got my whole shin tattooed, and that has been one of the most rock 'n' roll experiences of my life, because I also, er, had brought a vinyl, which I thought that Frank would find cool, namely that was Jello Biafra & the Melvins. Jello Biafra, Dead Kennedy singer,...

Pi: Hm.

Class: ...so, punk rock, and Melvins were like... sludge rock.

Pi: Sludge core.

Class: And then he- that was so cool, then he said "oh cool, I wanted to get that vinyl anyway" and the like; then he cranks up his stereo, he still had a 20 or 100-fold CD changer,...

Pi: Cool!

Class: ...so, and then it started, always like, like like like distorted bass or guitar, like *mimics distorted guitar sounds* and he's like "Oh, phat!" and then it was a long intro and then he got out his cables and held them together, where there were really sparks flying.

Pi: Boah!

Class: Which isn't the case anymore, I believe...................... (22:04)

...........................

Class: ........................krrrrrk krrrrrrk krrrrrk, "yeah, works" and turned it up and then...

Gared: Yeah, today it is just zeros and ones anymore, no?

Class: ...and then- and then really like, already turned the machine on,...

Pi: Djent?

Class: ...like, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, then he said, "I'm turning up the sound, no?", I'm like "Yeah!", then he fully cranked it up and then it kicked off, the music...

Pi: Cool.

Class: ...and then he went in and that was so cool. That- that was in fac-

Gared: And you also got tattooed.

Class: Yes. That was in fact one of the most rock 'n' roll moments that I can recall. And in connection with the tattoo at Frank Krabbenhöft-

Pi: Cool.

Chris: Fraaaaank!

Class: By the way, he also does the tattoo conventions, now as before, and by now also in the exhibition halls. ("Messehallen")

Gared: Oh!

Chris: Really?

Class: Together with the motorcycle exhibition.

Pi: Awesome.

Class: That's the newest thing.

Gared: Expanded, virtually. Or... somehow.

Class: Yeah, somehow.

Gared: How do you call that?

Class: Rearranged, expanded, one can...

Gared: So, do we stay at first tattoos, now, or...?

Pi: Yes, I'd say so, since we have- since you still have something to tell,...

Nik: .................... (22:57)

Class: ..................................

Pi: ..................I still have something to tell, Chris still wanted to say something about it, but since I ................. just now ...........................yeaaaaaaaah.

Chris: .......................sorry, ................ away very quickly............................The thing is, the one tribal dragon up here, that was, I believe, my third tattoo or something, erm, to be honest, I don't know anymore where I saw that, I believe that was some mural or something, such a cool tribal dragon, I thought, "boah, that looks phat."

Class: Probably in St. Pauli, right?

Chris: In St. Pauli, maybe.

Pi: ..............................

Chris: But it wasn't ........................., but somewhere, so I went there especially for that, with a photo camera, how you do that, had the photo developed, then, like, traced it and drew it and found it mega cool. Well, a few years later I'm standing in front of Endless Pain, the shop, thinking, like, "oh."

Pi: Did you walk right in and said "here, I've got your logo"...

Chris: ...stolen.

Pi: ..."Do I get something for free"?

Chris: Then I got to know Frank from Endless Pain, the boss, somewhen at our tattoo convention, talked with him about it, I tell him, like, "Frank, come on, some time you have to tattoo me" and like "because else it makes little sense." He then did one of my letterings on my, er, wrists then,...

Class: Yes.

Chris: ...and, er yeah. I mean, now that thing is incorporated, you don't recognize it anymore, because it it somehow- there are many other ugly, black lines around it, but... but that is so... yeah.

Class: Yeah, that isn't bad, after all it is...

Chris: Ah! That-

Class: ...after all, it is an institution, yeeees...

Chris: That is- that is completely okay for me, so, that is like, I mean, better than, I don't know, a portrait of Bob Marley with something like "Lenny Kravitz" written under it or something. We've already seen that.

Class: Yes, but hey, it's a cool song.

Gared: "It's is my life - Jon Bovi" (reference to a tattoo fail picture: https://pics.me.me/its-is-my-life-jon-bovi-jon-bov-18514127.png ), ja.

Class: Haaa. "No Ragrets" (reference to a tattoo from the movie "We're The Millers": https://odditymall.com/includes/content/no-ragrets-temporary-tattoo-0.jpg )

Pi: Exactly.

Gared: And how was- how was it when you realized that dragons don't actually exist?

Pi: Huh? Yes, they do.

Gared: No?

Pi: Yes?

Chris: Didn't you see Game of Thrones?

Pi: Where are you even living, dude?

*Silence*

Gared: That's too many questions at once for me.

Nik: So, at the very least... in "How..."

Pi: Processing...!

Gared: Syntax Error.

Nik:  ...in "How To Train Your Dragon"! That is...

Pi: Or...

Chris: Or "The Neverending Story", Falkor, the luckdragon? (in the German version, his name is "Fuchur".) 

Pi: Yes...

Gared: I'm withdrawing my question.

Chris: Atreyu? Ey, come on!

Gared: Wha...?

Class: Atreyu.

Gared: Bless you.

Nik: That- I'm also having that in my foot at the moment.

Class: Attreo? Attreo is a metalcore band.

Pi: What, really? 

Gared: What is it, djent?

Chris: So, so and your first tattoo?

Gared: My first tattoo was, erm, this gorgous, well...

Pi: Yeah...

Gared: ...that lies in the eye of the beholder, this... this, this angel figure with the incorporated treble clef, so, since we are at music-related tattoos,...

Pi: unbelievable! 

Gared: *with a disguised voice* I am so nerdy, music is my only love! No. Erm...

Class: So, yes!

Chris: You love music and she- but she doesn't love you.

Pi: This.

Gared: That is... that is a love-hate relationship.

Class: Every 11 minutes a single on parship finds... music... (Parship is a dating site and their advertisements claim that every 11 minutes a single falls in love on Parship)

Gared: ...erm, which was in fact by our first, er... former first, first former, er- I mean, by Sebi, you still know him, our guitar player,...

Nik: By the first former Sebi.

Gared: Exactly.

Pi: By the first Sebi.

Gared: No. By Sebsta, you still know him from old Lord Of The Lost days, erm,...

Nik: Jou!

Gared: ...got designed and done in the... year...

Chris: 2006.

Pi: 11!

(25:51)..................................

Chris: When we were in the Markthalle on the 6th of December 2019 also saw him on stage.

Class: Eyyyyyyyy.

Gared: Right.

Pi: I swear!.....................

Gared: A propos, of, eerh.... 06th of December?

Pi: Yeeeeeeah...?

Chris: 06th...? No 07th.

Gared: 07th of December.

Chris: Ah, apologies, 07th of December.

Gared: I just wanted to say, because...

Class: Right.

Gared: ...because 07th of December, I almost said somehow, hey, by the way, live album, ah, no, it's sold out anyway.

Chris: Yes, great.

Gared: Too bad.

Class: Sorry.

Gared: Oh, didn't get a box? Oooh.

Chris: I think everyone listening to this has the- I think almost everyone listening to this has already ordered the box anyway.

Gared: I hope for it.

Nik: Probably, yes.

Gared: I wish it for everybody. No, but that was this- is this angel-clef-... story, 2011, done by Sebsta, based on my idea and... your layout, together with me, because I am simply too stupid to hold a pencil. Yes.

Chris: I think we roughly conceptualized the forearms in general,...

Gared: Exactly.

Chris: ...how clefs on the one and on the other side, with- with angel and devil kinda...

Nik: I just wanted to-

Gared: In- in fact-

Nik: I just wanted to ask why...

Gared: Listen-

Nik: ...why is the angel the treble clef and the bass the devil?

Gared: Listen-

Nik: ................(I think he said “Why do I even ask?”)..........(26:42)

Gared: Listen. Listen, listen, listen. I am going to answer Chris' question first, which wasn't a question,...

Nik: above and below? .........Uuuuuuh...

Gared: The right one we did together, the left one I did with Sebi, in fact, and the fac- this devil face is in fact based on my face which we held into the Mac's iSight camera somehow, then distorted with Photoshop, in order to somehow...

Class: Ey, that is-

Gared: Somehow I have that in my f-

Pi: You've got your own face on your arm!

Gared: Of course not, but in the- in the broadest sense I somehow got this...

Pi: Now I know why to me, it always- like...

Gared: this... this expression on my face...

Class: In the broadest sense, yes.

Pi: In the broadest sense you have.

Gared: Erm, and I said like, you know, like- you know, a bit evil stupidly looking from below and, er-

Chris: Evil stupidly from below...

Class: Which you are very good at, looking very evil.

Gared: This. Exactly.

Chris: So, just like you- just like you look into the camera in music videos.

Gared: With a raised- raised eyebrow, following the camera. Cut out each time.

Pi: The things that always get cut out.

Gared: Well, yeah... Gared Dirge, the living outtake!

Nik: Some time- some- some-

Pi: "My life as an outtake" - Your biography.

Gared: Oh, naaah.

Nik: Some time we'll release a Gared Dirge outtake video.

Gared: Uhh, unfortunately, my biography is already called "A life on the middle lane". Well, erm...

Chris: Full throttle at idle.

Gared: Exac- That is- that already falls to someone else... well, let's leave it at that. Why the treble clef is on the right and the bass clef on the left hand and angel and devil, blah, erm... because as a pianeur (yes, he doesn't say "pianist" here), erm, in most cases the left hand is in charge of the bass and in the not- in the notation is notated in the bass clef...

Class: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...

Gared: ...and the right hand is mostly notated for the descant-and-something-area in the treble key.

Pi: Look at this .....................(28:04)

Gared: If one looks at- at piano sheet shit,...

Chris: Nuttation. (Pun. "Notation" is "notation" or "sheet music", while "Nutte" means "hooker")

Pi: Hooker. Huuuh.

Gared: And, erm, what I always found a bit interesting- was- does that even still count to the topic of first times or f-...?

Pi: Your first tattoo, yes! I didn't know that you'd go that far afield, dude!

Nik: I-I'd jus- I'd just still like to know why the devil and why there the angel.

Gared: Because in fact I find this field of tension between good and evil, between left and right, erm, nice, because- or rather, interesting, because the right hand is always considered so unbelievably good and right.

Chris: One also says "the right hand of the power"...

Gared: exactly.

Chris: ...and "the left hand of the power".

Gared: Exactly. And to turn your back on someone (literal translation of "links liegen lassen" would be "leaving someone laying on the left"), back-stabber (literal translation of "linke Bazille" would be "deceitful bacillus", since "link" does not only mean "left", but can also mean "deceitful"), et cetera pp.

Nik: And that- like, the right hand is the nice hand.

Gared: The hand- the hands are always slightly connoted as positive respective negative and what I also found nice about that, is, where the English word "sinister" originates from, maybe that is a bit far afield now,...

Pi: Yep.

Gared: ...erm, in Latin, erm, which is commonly found in musical notation, in a piano notation, if the left hand for a change takes over something that normally the right- the right hand- er, is notated for the right hand, "m.s." is written there, which means something like manus sinistra or mano s- manus-

Chris: NOW I understand what that means!

Gared: Exactly. And "sinistra" originally just means "left" in latin, but "sinister" is, well...

Class: Sinister. (He uses the German word here, whereas Gared used the English translation before.)

Gared: ...the evil, sinister, vicious,...

Pi: Haaaaaah.

Gared: ...and I always found this-

Class: I understand.

Gared: I always found this connection between the left hand and of course also the right hand as the good and bright side so fascinating that I wanted to connect that a bit with the music and this field of tension.

Chris: Then be glad that you don't have three hands, what would the third have, then? A viola clef or what?

Gared: ...that NO ONE likes, yeah,...

Class: That comes in the middle.

Chris: Not even violists.

Pi: Around the be- around the belly button.

Gared: Exactly.

Chris: Alright, and what was the first girl's name that you slept with?

Class: Er, Isabell.

Gared: Claudia.

Pi: Sabrina.

Nik: Kirsten.

Chris: What?

Class: What?

Nik: Kirsten!

Chris: Anna.

Gared: Anal?

Chris: Hello!

Nik: Greetings to you, if you're listening! Nice to meet you!

Pi: Happy greets!

Chris: If you are listening, it was cool!

Pi: If you are listening, it wasn't cool.

Gared: If- if- if you are listening, I'm sorry, usually that never happens to me! (Nik and Chris use the plural "you", referring to all the women, while Pi and Gared use the singular "you", each directed at one.)

(Laughter)

Chris: What, that you are sleeping with women?

Pi: Usually I don't sleep with women!

Gared: I'm not that kind of guy!

Pi: What was that earlier: "I'm not a man for one night, I want to be conquered!"

Gared: No, I'm leaving after an hour!

Chris: Oh, hilarious! Hilarious, nice.

Pi: Yes.

Gared: Ah, it's getting out of hand.

Pi: Briefly to my first tattoo, that became a peach. Why, I will tell you the next time, when the motto is: "Peaches - why?"

Gared: Why are they furry? No, that's nectarines that are furry, right? Sorry.

Pi: No, that's peaches that are furry.

Gared: Really? I wouldn't know, I'm allergic to stone fruit.

..............................(30:45)

Pi: Why doughnut peaches- it's crazy that they don't burst when you- I mean, shape them.

Nik: Very briefly, to close the, er, topic of tattoos,...

Gared: ............peach, no?  

Nik: ...er, I actually can't tell anything, simply because I don't have a tattoo.

Gared: Surely you've got another nice first time, because essentially this is neither explicitly about sex, nor about tattoos, so essentially it is about every first time worth telling.

Nik: Yes, but... because Pi just said, peaches and...

Gared: Yes, that is nonsense, now.

Nik: Yeah, er...

Gared: Maybe tell about some-

Nik: Er... with that the topic is finished now, as well.

Gared: How was your first time LordCast?

Pi: Until now.

Nik: Quite good, until now!

Gared: Good, next topic.

Nik: I still- I still have- I still have beer, I'm amused, I... currently I'm happy.

Chris: At this point I'd like to read a few, erm, troublemakers to you...

Pi: Yes.

Gared: For comic relief.

Nik: There you go, finally!

Chris: ...and- and then you should, when you found out what it is called, interpret them, too, what that means, because partially it's not that easy.

Pi: Okay.

Chris: Construction site. ("Baustelle")

Gared: Accumulation balls. ("Staubälle". "Stau" can either mean a traffic jam or an accumulation of  (mostly) fluids.)

Nik: Accumulation balls.

Gared: What are accumulation balls?

Pi: Well you build-

Gared: Dust ell? ("Staub-Elle")

Pi: A very bad embankment dam, you build with accumulation balls. (The German "Staudamm" can be translated with "accumulation dam".)

Nik: That is the one thing, er, on the other hand, er, you are both right, yeah, I can say something about that. Namely, er,...

Gared: Thank-

Nik: It- of course on the one hand there are the accumulation balls, with which you can stop, er, er, ...great masses, not only water, also...

Pi: Yes.

Nik: ...also other masses.

Gared: People.

Nik: But there is also-

Pi: Do you mean something like love balls, that you shove into your butt?

Nik: That stop things?!

Gared: Explicitly, that YOU shove into your butt.

Pi: Okay, then "one" or "human", not sexist... (The German word "man", meaning "one" sounds like "Mann", meaning "man", hence the comment.)

Nik: On the other hand you know- I mean, certainly you all, just like me, had it in history class, stemming from the early Middle Ages, the- the, er... er... especially rather in the latitudes around the equator, the dust ell...

Chris: This is a little bit like this- like this show with Hugo Egon Balder (German comedian, actor and show host), I find that totally cool, we have just invented a new section, the troublemakers.

Nik: Yes, erm,...

Class: Cool.

Nik: The, erm- a dust ell is o- or no, in general, in dust ells you can, erm, determine the velocity of a sand storm.

Pi: Aaaaah.

Chris: I also heard something different. I have heard that you have accumulation balls, for example, after a successfully completed no-nut-November.

Pi: Okay, yes, logically.

Gared: Correct.

Nik: Yes. Yes...

Chris: Okay! Erm, I've got another one.

Pi: Yes!

Chris: Wooden floor. ("Holzboden")

Gared: Football tes...? ("Bolzhoden". The verb "bolzen" means "to play football", "Hoden" means "testicle"/"testicles")

Nik: Yes, that is- that- I know that from earlier!

Gared: That is what we always get in OUR no-nut-November.

Nik: In our village- in our village, if one- if one was at the- at the football field with the others and, er, one wasn't that athlethic - just like me - one always had to stand in the goal. Of course always in the losing team, because it was the losing team BECAUSE one stood in the goal. And, erm, if you could frequently, like, not avoid the ball, then you just had the ball... And then you had a football testicle.

Pi: ...Yes..

Gared: If he holds the ball, he is a hero. And if he doesn't hold it, one yells "you fool!" (the first sentence, "Hält den Ball er, ist ein Held er." in kind of a rhyme because of "hält" ("holds") and "Held" ("hero"). The second sentence is a pun, because "Tor" can mean "goal", but also "fool".)

Chris: I've got another one, that really isn't easy. Rubber dinghy. ("Schlauchboot")

Gared: Belly chimney? Okay... ("Bauchschlot")

Pi: This- this word was-

Gared: I would say that the belly chimney is eventually the anus that you flatulate out of.

Pi: Yes, I- I believe-

Gared: So, as an extension of the belly.

Pi: Yes, maybe. I think this word was the reference for, here, this champagne commercial. Like "prickled so nicely in my belly button". Belly chimney. (There is a beer commercial where a woman wants her bf so send a bottle of beer to her and describes that beer like that. He then drinks the beer and sends the empty bottle.)

Gared: No, that was Schöfferhofer Weizen. (a German beer)

Nik: I believe- I- I believe that is, in fact, the mouth. Because, erm...

Gared: Right. After the maw into the mouth.

Pi: Aaaaaah.

Nik: ...and, erm, if one eructates, that comes from the belly and hence...

Chris: Right. Right.

Gared: That is-

Nik: 500 Euros!

Gared: Actually the oeso- oesophagus is actually the- the, er...

Nik: That's true.

Gared: ...belly chimney.

Nik: No, that- that's true, yes.

Gared: Yes.

Nik: Yes, true, everything- everything else would be a maw. The mouth would be the maw.

Gared: This.

Nik: Excuse me.

Chris: There are three more, before we continue with a more serious topic.

Pi: The others will be- there will be more and more in every LordCast episode, now

Chris: There are a few, exactly.

Nik: I think- think that's great.

Chris: These are the troublemakers. There is yet another troublemaker, er,...

Pi: Here the troublemakers come!

Chris: Er, underwater scooter. ("Tauchschlitten")

Gared: Okay, that is...

Pi: Tube tits ("Schlauchtitten") is what old ladies wrap around themselves in winter.

Nik: What are "Schauch-Tlitten" even? (the way he turned the letters here, the word doesn't make sense.)

Gared: Is that ageism now, if we somehow... on older...

Pi: It is always something, Gerrit.

Gared: Yes. It is always some -ism.

Chris: Tube tits, I know- that is, erm, that are just... breasts in the shape of a tube, that is completely objective.

Pi: If one would rate it, THEN it would be ageism and bodyshaming.

Gared: That, er, we'll leave that to you out there if you rate or not,

Pi: Yes.

Chris: So, I'm meaning it completely objective.

Gared: Tube tits...

Pi:  Tube tits,  tube tits,  tube tits.  So, let's see, now.

Class: Like, tits with such a tube........(35:10)

Gared: If you... if you say it towards the mirror three times, then you'll get... well.

Chris: And what was- that would be totally funny then, then "tube tits" would become "Brauchschlüste". ("Brauch" means "tradition", but "schlüste" doesn't exist)

Pi: Brauchschlüste.

Nik: Brauchschlüste.

Gared: What?

Pi: Yes.

Nik: I don't understand.

Chris: That- that doesn't work as a troublemaker.

Class: I see, yes, okay.

Pi: Yeah, but what are tube tits? I- I believe they are, if... if a person with really sagging breasts is also able to use them as a scarf in winter.

Class: Yes.

Chris: No. Tube tits are if you- that was- I- now, that was... you all are no- no-

Nik: Experts.

Class: Tube tits fans.

Gared: ..................... (35:39)

Chris: Bicycle- bicycle hobbyists. I'm such a bicycle- I- I mean, I-

Gared: You are-

Pi: I am such a bicycle!

Chris: I- I am such a bicycle guy.

Nik: Now I know what it is! Of course! Yes!

Gared: You are even high wheeler. (Pun. "Hochfahrrad" ("high bicycle") means"high wheeler", though normally people just say "Hochrad". The homophone "Hochverrat" means "high treason".)

Nik: You are completely right!

Chris: Yes.

Nik: Of cou- that- yes!

Chris: That is on bicycle tubes, those little... er...

Pi: Nubs?

Chris: Nubs.

Nik: No! No! No! That is, if you have in- no, that is nonsense. A bicycle tube doesn't have nubs. A bicycle tube...

Gared: ...has tits.

Nik: ...is slippery as an eel. (German phrase for something that is very slippery or smooth) But if you... with your-

Gared: Maybe there is also a bycicle tube..................... (36:08) on an eel.

Nik: Because there is a tire, you still have a tire around the tube. But of course, if you- if- if this tire is damaged, because of wearing off or, er, a nail in it or whatever...

Class: Hmm.

Nik: ...then a hole is formed there. And, erm, at that place, of course, in the long run and under higher stress, the tube pushes itself outwards. And then...

Class: Aaaaaah.

Nik: ...on the tire a tube tit forms.

Gared: 500 Euros! For... for Niklas Kahl.

Nik: So.

Class: Well.

Chris: Erm, good, er, packing list. ("Packliste")

Gared: Laquer piste... ("Lackpiste")

Chris: Yes. What is-

Class: There we're coming back to rockabilly.

Chris: What is a lacquer piste?

Nik: I can... explain that very well.

Chris: I'm sorry, but...

Class: Wanker! 

Pi: Okay, I'm gonna shut up. Nik! There you go.

Class: That’s why I am here.

Nik: In- in my hometown, erm, er, where I live, as well, erm, in the Harz, there is actually something, there... if it still exists. Erm... but anyway, for some years there was a world championship in naked sledding.

Pi: Okaaaaaaay.

Gared: You don't have anything else to do down there, do you?

Nik: And I- I dimly remember, er, I- I was never there myself...

Pi: The first rock on the piste.

Nik: No. I was never there myself, but I keep, er, er a newspaper photograph in my mind, of the report and there was actually, er, someone, I think I remember it that way, maybe I'm wrong; either way, there was someone in a PVC outfit (PVC clothing in German is also called "Lack", meaning "lacquer"), er... male, female, I don't know anymore, laying on the snow piste and going downhill and on their back someone sat and held the reins and they went down the mountain like that. Perhaps that would be a lacquer piste.

Chris: I thought, a lacquer pissed was, erm, a, er, female person in a PVC suit who herself- is into uri-  urinating onto herself. ("pisste" ("pissed") and "Piste" ("piste") are homophones)

Pi: Go-golden shower.

Chris: Lacquer pissed.

Nik: But then in the past.

Chris: Yes, yes, exactly.

Gared: Lacquer pissed.

Nik: But-

Chris: But she is into it only in past tense.

Pi: Yes. Into golden showers.

Gared: You know, you have gone out of your mind. (Literally translated, the German phrase "Ihr habt doch Lack gesoffen" would mean "You know, you have guzzled lacquer".)

Chris: Alright, we've got one last troublemaker today and if you have got further troublemakers, please post them.

Gared: Thanks. I just wanted to suggest that, too.

Pi: Exactly.

Chris: The next...

Nik: Unbedingt.

Pi: Exactly. And if you explain them.

Chris: ...and, for today, last troublemaker may possibly not ignore a certain connection to the English language in its translation, backpack. ("Rucksack")

Gared: Suck rack. Oh yes. Erm... 

*Silence*

Gared: Ah, wait. No, that sounded better in my head.

Pi: So, when I was little, there were- there were always these drinking packages, so little- little- little square boxes with, like 100 ml orange juice in them, I mean "orange juice", like, one percent fruit content, maybe is- I would say that this is something like a suck rack. So...

.......(I think it was Chris, who said something like “Nah. No, no, no”…)............... (38:52)

Gared: I believe, suck- suck racks- suck racks are actually, erm, the breasts of a currently nursing woman.

Chris: Right! Right.

Gared: You know, in the English language one says "nice rack!" if one, erm, praises the bosom- the bosom of a woman,...

Chris: That is a milk bar, correct.

Gared: Alright, a milk bar.

Pi: A milk bar!

Gared: And that, er, well that- the infant or someone who is still into it in adulthood, er...

Pi: Everyone has got one fetish free, I'm saying it again and again.

Chris: No, that is something complet- a suck rack is something completely innocent. Yes. Exactly. That are, yes, right.

Gared: Breasts.

Chris: The breasts of a nursing woman.

Pi: This.

Gared: The underwater scooter. The .............. (39:20)

Pi: That is the consequence of suck rack.

Chris: Yes, correct! Yes, alright.

Gared: The consequence of a backpack is a tube- er- an underwater scooter. Alright.

Pi: Precisely.

Gared: Does that make sense in any way? No.

Class: *pondering noises*

Pi: It does. We just explained that, of course it makes sense.

Gared: So, give us more, er, troublemakers and we...

Chris: Yes.

Class: And we will give you explanations, that...

Chris: Alright.

Gared: Alright.

 

(39:39)

Chris: So! Maybe we want to raise a serious topic again, Pi, you also had a few sub-items there, because there were many interested requests, or interested comments, especially flippant side comments, like "can’t it be cheaper somehow" - concerning our livestream, which we are now doing on August 8th, as a release concert, online, for Swan Songs III, which will also be available on all of August 9th, for those who cannot be there live that evening or have internet problems or whatever.

Class: Or they have to sleep because they are in a totally different place. 

Chris: Exactly, they come from a totally different time zone and coincidentally speak German and listen to this now. 

(40:26)

Nik: Coming from a different time. ("Aus einer anderen Zeit kommen"; He says it in an undertone as if those people were from 1793 or stone age or whatever)

Class: You can tell this to all your friends in Brazil again. 

Chris: The question came up, “Why does it cost about € 15.000,-? We have already listed it roughly for you, but...

Gared: Per person? 

Chris: Well no, but we found it interesting to tell you that because it might give you some insight into what is always very important to us and which concerns us when we are on tour, for example, and also to show you how difficult it is in part, even at events in our size, to actually do this job as a musician, to be able to pursue it as a profession. Like, “Will there be enough money left in the end?” For example we get confronted with thoughts like, “Look, you’re really doing well, you play in a sold out “Markthalle” (big venue in Hamburg), a ticket costs € 30,- , sold out means there’s 1.000 tickets sold. That makes 30.000,- Euros in total. You’re five band members. So each of you earns 6.000 Euros by playing a one and a half hour show.” But it’s not that easy. Of course, we don’t want to be dishonest, when the “Markthalle” is sold out… we are not allowed to tell you numbers, but … there’s quite a bit left, which is totally fine, but what we give you there – and that’s why we wanted to talk about it – on August 8th, is the finest, we’re not  just playing in some random rehearsal room, from where we record with a mobile phone in the corner and provide it to you via Instagram or something, but we’ll do it really really great. I did not see that concert hall yet, but I think, you know it, Pi and Class? *Approving sounds from Pi and Class* Do you want to tell people, what we are going to do there, maybe some will understand then, why it will be this expensive but why it will be so cool also! 

Pi: *towards Class*: You saw the setup, right?

Class: Yes. Of course I cannot name every single lamp now, that would be nonsense anyway

(42:19)

Chris : No, of course not. 

Class: It’s a rehearsal hall, that's what it's called, that if, for example, a band, I think I can also say that, at the end of last year it was a band like Hammerfall, which is also a relatively big band, a bit like this - size like us, just at an international level, and they have to practice for a show like the one in the “Markthalle”, for example.

Chris: Before they go on tour. So not a,  ……………………eine Technikprobe für...........

Class: Before they go on tour, that's right. A production rehearsal. Before they go on tour, they are there for a week, for example, and there they adjust all the lights, the sound, and rehearse the show as such. 

Gared: That’s what is meant by “production”.

Class: Exactly, right. 

Gared: The processes concerning the crew and what concerns technics and music. 

Class: Exactly. And in this kind of hall we will play the concert, the hall is very big, very high, actually a lot bigger than the “Markthalle”, which is in a way limited by an arch there. You can imagine it – it’s nice and big so the whole orchestra including ourselves fits in nicely.

Chris: with a bombastic, really cool light show…

Class: Exactly. And there the trusses can be installed nicely. The older ones among you maybe get a kind of “Wetten dass…” -feeling, (big German tv show from 1981-2014), which is not that wrong after all, if you imagine, that with those trusses you can also create various figures on the ceiling, like triangles or squares, with numerous movable lights – with all the frills. So, concerning lights and show, you could maybe think … what’s that called? we’re using a sledgehammer to crack a nut (the literal translation would be "to shoot sparrows with cannons"), but that’s not the case here, as we just want to provide a really remarkable show for as many people as possible.

Chris: on a stage with enough space for fourteen musicians. 

Class: Exactly. There’s a lot of space. And that also means, because of that lot of space, we can record the whole thing with many cameramen, with fixed small cameras standing in between us, and people operating those cameras, part of which can go back and forth on rails. You also have to admit, that this whole production deserves technicians, and technicians are not exactly cheap either, or rather they shouldn’t be cheap either, so they can also survive.

Gared: Properly paid. 

Class: Exactly. And especially in these times those people don’t have jobs, so we can’t hire them at dumping prices, like “ey, do it for free for us” … they also need to earn money now. And when you think, that you’ve got maybe 5 cameramen to film something, then there’s people who assist those cameramen, who are holding the cables so nobody stumbles and tell the cameramen where to go, then there’s some director who has to do all the mixing etc, same counts for the sound, only it’s not like in a live show, where they have to provide the sound for us and for the audience, in front of the screens, but there also has to be someone who brings all the signals together in a controlled manner, so they go out into the ether, into the internet reasonably. And even someone from the company, who does the payment process might be there, because they theoretically check, if the signal, that goes out into the ether from us, arrives properly on our website, where you can watch it. Then it’s us, all the musicians, the rent for the hall, power costs a lot also, 

Chris: Travel costs for the musicians, hotel costs...

Class: Travel costs, hotel costs, then there’s our own technicians, who on the other hand take care of the band during that day. 

Chris: the day before as a full rehearsal day.   

Class: And you have to admit… if you want such a show to be good… like in our case… all the technicians, who earn money there on the “show day”… they all need to be there on the day before the show as well, so we can rehearse it all, as the whole thing will be LIVE. So we can’t just say, “Stop, stop, stop, stop, - let’s do it all over again!” – and it gets cut. At the moment it’s recorded, it needs to be perfect.

Gared: Just like in a live show. 

Class: and as I said… the rent for the hall, the whole manpower, travel costs, preparations…

Chris: I did a quick calculation. Without ourselves, the ensemble, our own technicians, the local technicians, from what I can roughly estimate, we don’t know exactly, how many of those people will be there then, I come up with a sum of 23 additional people, who need to get paid for two full days

Pi: Yes.

Gared: Wow.

Chris: And when you have to pay 23 people for two days, plus you have to cover hotel costs, travel costs, technical stuff, power, hall rent, ticket system, website etc… then 15.000 Euros suddenly are not THAT incredibly much money any more..

(47:24)

Gared: That is reached pretty quickly, yes.

Pi: It’s realistic, yes. 

Chris: Particularly if you work in the freelance sector… many of you guys out there probably are employed … that’s something completely different concerning daily rates. What many of you out there, who are salaried employees, might not know either, while your health insurance gets paid by the employer, you get a fixed salary, pension contributions, and where you know pretty exactly, how much you get in the end… it’s slightly different for us freelancers. There’s always the question, “How many taxes will we have to pay in the next quarter, in the next year?” We have to pay health insurance fees, which are sometimes as high as the rent for a small apartment. We’re not complaining here, and you know, how we are, that we always say, “every day there’s thousands of children dying on this planet, and we don’t have a right to complain here at all”, we just want to create an awareness in you, so you can understand, if we deal with such numbers, we don’t do it because we’re snooty, and that we are not begging you senselessly to throw money down our throats. We just want to give you an idea, how much these things cost, and if you relate that to a tour then, where we travel around with a 7-9 persons crew, in a nightliner bus… such a nightliner bus also costs between 1.000-3.000 Euros per day, depending on how far the distances are and how much stuff has to be dragged along. It’s partly pretty crazy. Of course, we wouldn’t do it, if we didn’t earn money by doing it by now… thanks to you… because you are the ones who save our jobs…. but it’s still not like we are Bruce Wayne or something. 

(49:11)

Nik: AND … I also find it not unimportant to mention that neither of us lives from this band exclusively. 

Gared: Nope.

Pi: Nope, exactly. 

Nik: Each of us has additional jobs also. I think, this explains it pretty well.

Chris: I’ll put it that way… meanwhile we could possibly all manage to somehow survive from this band - probably not this year, as a whole year’s income gets lost, 

Nik: then we’d be… dead. 

Chris: Until Corona we were at a point, where we said, you can survive from it, if you only “cook on low flame” (here it means to stick to the fundamental basics in live),  but with some of us there’s more than just US exclusively, like our offspring… they need to eat, too. And you don’t want to “just survive” always, but you also want to do things for fun sometimes… so much as an info for you out there. Of course, some of you might say, “Just set up a camera … others did that, too!”  - of course, you can do that… but if we step up with a 14-persons-ensemble for our album release, we want to present you a show, which concerning the goosebumps moment is at least able to attain to what you get, when we do it live. 

Pi: Exactly. 

Gared: *approving sound*, exactly.

Chris: If that works out, is yet to be seen. Maybe the internet connection is crappy on that day or Skynet develops a life of its own and everything comes to an end anyway, but… 

Gared: There the line of least resistance is not always the solution. We just want to…

Chris: We want to try. 

Gared: We want to provide quality.

Chris: To develop bigger ideas (He says it as a pun/troublemaker: in German “große Brötchen backen – to bake bigger bread … he says, “große Bötchen bracken” )… 

Class: Exactly. And if the broadcast doesn’t work out, we rent a drive-in- cinema afterwards.

 

(50:50)

Chris: But the nice thing is… if the broadcast doesn’t work out…

Class: Yes, I know, if it doesn’t work out, you have…

Chris: For this case we have the 9th. On this point – best regards to our friend in VNV Nation and to the people who are going there. As we have heard, on that day VNV Nation are doing a drive-in concert  or something alike.

Class: That’s right.

Chris: – so – no problem at all. When you get back home that night, or on Sunday you can …

Class: ...watch us for breakfast! 

Chris: Watch us for breakfast.

Gared: It’s the perfect Sunday occupation also, after the drive in cinema concert.

Chris: ...and we wish you a lot of fun with VNV Nation, when they play “Illusion”, you can shed a tear for me as well.

Gared: Absolutely! 

Chris: That’s totally ok. So! Now that’s out of the way also.

Class: Yes. So! 

Gared: Can we now do something funny again? -no.

Chris: Like what? 

Nik: No, not something funny again! 

Gared: What nice things do we have? You have got your smart list here.

Chris: I don’t have anything else here. We can play a round of Stadt-Land-Backstage. 

Everyone: Now that’s a nice idea! That’s funny. 

Chris: How long have we been talking by now?

Class: A little less than an hour. 

Chris: Look, 52 minutes, ok… we’ll do a round of Stadt-Land-Backstage …

Gared: Then it’s breakfast time for you out there. 

Class: Curfew.

Chris: I need to eat something soon, it’s almost 9pm.

Gared: I urgently need to pee.  

Chris: 10pm.

Pi: I need to go to bed. 

Nik: That's how it is, yes... 

Chris: We have another day of songwriting coming up tomorrow. 

Pi: Uh wee (hoo wee?)… another one. And then yet another one!

Nik: And that on the first day already.

Pi: That’s sick.

Gared: One could think, we’re writing three albums. 

Class: Yeah.

Chris: It is almost like that. 

Gared: *whispering* Spoiler! 

Pi: We’re actually writing four. So! 

Chris: Who starts?

Pi: Stadt-Land-Backstage (says „backstage” in fake French pronounciation)

Chris: Shall we play “Stadt-Land-Backstage” in the shape of a pentagram? With the five… 

Gared: Yeah, totally evil! Heavy Metal!

Class: Correct, I’m at the bottom, right? Seen from a symmetric point of view, I think…?

Nik: Yes, that’s true. Class is at the bottom. 

Gared: We need to put you in a stereo-picture…to the bottom. 

Pi: *sneezes*

Everyone: Bless you. 

Gared: Then we'll have to put you on the lower side on the stereo image, so the people, like,... you on.

Chris: I open up our shows-list, to get inspired. 

Class: You’re cheating? 

Nik: Nobody can read it from here. 

Chris: Nope, but you can go here and have a look. 

Nik: How cumbersome!

Pi: aaaah… 

Gared: How are people from the lowest pentagram tip supposed to get through to get to it?

Chris: I don’t know, if anybody can …. Class, now listen! 

Pi: Now listen.

Gared: That’s the question answered. 

Class: Can I get one more sip of water? Go ahead! 

Pi: I also have to pour myself some more.

Class: Give me some more shots. 

Chris: Savigny, Le Temple – France. 2016. 

Pi: I can remember that!

Chris: M.E.G.A. tour. 

Gared: Make Europe Great Again. 

Chris: Combichrist. Filter.

Class: Didn’t we have that one last time already? That was not the one with the sausage salad, was it? 

Chris: Ehm, no?

Class: Where the two of us …where Gerrit and me walked to that cathedral… to those ruins …do you remember? When we walked through the fields? Like, through the vines?

Gared: Yes, no, no, no, no, no. That was in France, too, but…. 

Pi: I give you a hint. It was the one with the incontinent dog, the one, who would always pee, when you pet him. 

Class: What…wait… yet.

Gared: Was that Savigny, Le Temple?

(53:57)

Pi: Yes, Chez Paulette. 

Gared: *whispers* Then just tell the story of the incontinent dog! 

Class: Yes, ehm… I… it’s slowly getting back now…

Chris: Oh, did I really give you the same place? 

Gared: Wasn’t Savigny close to Paris?

Class: Where we drove into that small residential area? Where we went through the audience? Where in the back it went upwards steeply? 

Chris: I think so.

Gared: Yeah, yeah, exactly. 

Class: But that WAS the one with the sausage salad! 

Chris: Fuck, there I really gave you the exact same place! Ok, I’ll give you something different.

Class: That would be nice. There Sepultura played, too.

Chris: Kiel! 

Class: Pumpe, most likely. 

Chris: Whatever. 

Class: The country is Germany. 

Chris: Germany. Kiel. 

Pi: Right, when have we been to Kiel?

Class: We played in the “Pumpe”, in the “Kleine Pumpe”, in the "Große Pumpe"?

Pi: And Orange Club.

Nik: In Orange Club we played.

Class: Orange Club. 

Gared: Yep.

Chris: “Kleine Pumpe”, “Große Pumpe”, “Orange Club” (venue names) 

Gared: Orange Club.

Class: The only thing I remember from Orange Club now … the funny thing is… Orange Club is also a discotheque.

Chris (?): *laughing* Something instantly comes to my mind there! 

Class: … yeah, you may not say it!  - regards to Sven! Well, nope. Oh yeah, fuck. Sven. Fuck. 

Gared: Oh yeah. 

Chris: Or else *makes some strange “plop” sound*

Class: What I was going to say… we arrived there in the morning, I think it was on a Saturday or something, on Friday there had been a big party there, and the funny thing was, that my workmate by that time – a weird guy, some techno DJ, who was still going strong since 35 years, every week, the whole night through. He has been working there the night before … so, my workmate sort of had “prepared” the club and  “handed it over to me” in the morning.

Gared: Big mistake. 

Class: And there were still some of those techno-guys sitting around there, kind of like some strange family, on the ground in front of the entrance. I don’t know, if they were still partying hard or did they discuss family problems. Anyhow, that club was somehow very special, a corner club, it was somehow dark also, so it was a bit difficult to get in the mood there in daytime. But I think, the show was quite cool. You could hang on the truss there, I think…during the show. 

Pi: *approving sound*

Chris: In that place I celebrated my first “30+” -party.

Pi: right. 

Chris: There you could say "right, there was a 30+party!"

Class: Yeah, that's right! 

Gared: I’ve been sleeping, I didn’t want to party. 

Pi: Fuck it, okay, good story. 

Nik: What I’d like to know now…. How did you even manage to get in there? 

Class: Well, we were... 

Gared: You were only 19 then. 

Nik: To a 30+ party. You have been only- no.

Class: 21!

Gared: Or so. 

Nik: Three years ago you were 21!

Chris: It was not only MY first 30+party, but also the first 30+ party of the whole crew, our by that time 18-year-old backliner Sven was on that 30+party, too. 

Gared: So they did not take the ID check too serious there. 

Chris: No, apparently not. 

Nik: Ok.

Chris: Main thing: party. And…

Gared: *sings* Round is the clock.

Chris: So, when I have nominated Class, Class has to nominate…

Pi: Gerrit! Gerrit -me, and me – Nik. 

Chris: Gerrit now. Do you want to check the list?

Class: hmmmmm…. 

Gared:  Be the nominator! 

Chris: THE NOMINATOR. Day of Reckoning.

Gared: Comedy Nominator. 

Chris: Day of the “Kackrechnung” (intranslatable pun. Means sth. like “poop- calculation”) 

Gared: Hurry up, I really need to pee. 

Class: Yeah.

Gared: and I …

Chris: We can also press the pause button, and you go pee.

Class: Now where’s your list, and how do I get to it? 

Gared: Or the people out there press the pause button now. 

Nik: Yeah right. Please all of you, press the pause button, so we all can go to the toilet now. 

Chris: Yeah, people, press the pause button just now. 

Gared: And we’re back.

Pi: Here we are again! 

Nik: What a relief! That was bitterly needed! 

Gared: Bitter and needed.

Pi: Pardon? You are not supposed to drink it!  

Chris: I have heard, some people wanted us to do more of that ASMR. I’ll eat some bread crisps now. 

Gared: Isn’t that some kind of weird method?

Pi: I swallow now. 

Class: Gerrit and me just recently spoke about it, as we were driving past it. Finkenwerder -Tindenhubfestival. The first one or…

Nik: We were there two times! 

Gared: We have been there twice, and the first time we were at the Tidenhubfestival has to be in 2013 or even 2012 … that was our one hundredth show! I remember that. 

Chris: It was not glamorous. 

Gared: It was indeed heavily inglamorous. But it was our hundredth show. Dot. 

Class: The sun was shining. We were wearing sunglasses on stage. 

Gared: That was funny, also a bit inglamorous, and it was… hmmm

Class: Few people there. 

Gared: But I also remember how we walked into Aldi’s just around the corner in Finkenwerder – and bought empty their whole champagne stock, because we wanted to shoot the corks from the champagne bottles into the audience. 

Class: And we did. 

Gared: And we did spread the corks and the champagne over the twenty people who were standing there in front of the stage, and that’s how we celebrated our one hundredth show. 

Class: That was nice. (he literally says, “that had face” -which doesn’t make any sense in English)

Gared: That was nice. 

Class: It had “champagne faces”.  

Gared: And I don’t remember much from later on. Because of reasons. But yeah, that was Finkenwerder. A little home match. And we have been there a second time also, but that ..

Chris: That’s like just one memory to me. I can not distinguish that. 

Gared: Oh yes, and I think, it was in Finkenwerder where we saw that beautiful graffiti – we recently drove there and saw it again – which has become some kind of running gag for us – “Ihr nehmt immer nur, aber ihr gebt nie” –(“you only take, but you never give”) … that’s where this comes from. 

Pi: Oh god.

Chris: Ihr GIBT nie.

Gared: Exactly, sorry! “Ihr nimmt immer nur, aber ihr gibt nie“ (willingly wrong grammar in that graffiti, apparently – translator’s note) .

Chris: Ihr nimmt immer nur, aber ihr gibt nie! 

Gared: See? Even if I try to say it wrong – I can’t. 

Class: Gibt nie? Isn’t that some character from  … anyhow. 

Pi: from Harry Potter, exactly. 

Gared: Exactly.

Pi: Gibtnie.

Chris: That was GIMLI. 

Class: I see! 

Chris: Lord of the Rings.

(60:05)

Pi: Gamling. (I think it’s “Gamli”, as a pun with the word “gammlig”, which means “rotten" or “gammeln” as urban language for “to chill”.)

Class: I see! I’m an idiot.

Chris: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, 

Gared: “Harald der Töpfer” (litteral translation of the name “Harry Potter”)… for the English speaking ones among you. 

Pi: Harald der Töpfer  - for the English speaking ones. 

Gared: Now I have to nominate Pi

Chris: Hermin-e-yeh. 

Pi: What do you nominate me for? 

Gared: For some backstage or whatever story. I didn’t think about it before, which means, it might take a while now. 

Class: or you look at the list. 

Gared: That would be too easy.

Pi: And yet he stands up and looks at the list! 

Gared: I was afraid, when I stand up, my urge to pee gets even worse.

*someone whistling some “time going by” melody* (It’s the theme from “Jeopardy”) 

Pi: And how are you doing? 

Gared: Er... Where is the gay show list, now? 

Class: The fun thing is, Finkenwerder came to my mind without even seeing it in the list. It just came up. 

Nik: But that’s ok. 

Chris: Cool guy! 

Class: Yes. It just was a source of inspiration. 

Pi: Okay. Gerrit, come on over to say that in front of the microphone! 

Gared: Let me look first!!! 

Chris: People, you need to press “stop.” 

Pi: Stop now.

Gared: Press “stop” NOW. 

Pi: Now press “play” again. Oh no, you can’t hear that now. 

Chris: Fuck! 

Gared: Oh yes! I wasn’t there myself…I wasn’t there myself…

Pi: *quoting Gared* “Oh yes!” 

Nik: But you remember it, as if it had been yesterday! 

Gared: It was on the day before today, and I remember it as if it had been yesterday. Plage Noir. 

Nik: What was yesterday?

Gared: Weißenhäuser Strand (Weißenhäuser Beach). I don’t know, if  there was something.. I wasn’t there myself. 

Pi: Oh yeah!

Class: Did we only play there once,  yes? 

Chris: Yes.

Pi: So far we only played there once. And the Plage Noir, that was… right, we played a show the four of us, 

Gared: one show too much ( Pi said “zu viert”/the four of us, which sounds similar to “zu viel”/too much) 

Pi: Right, it was just one show too much. That was the first time on stage without you – but with an equally functioning and …

Gared: What?!

Pi: …beautiful cardboard standup.

Chris: I need to shortly intervene here… out of necessity we already had some shows without Gared in the very early days, for example an England tour did not work out, because there was not enough  bus space.

Gared: Yes, exactly. 

Pi: I see.

Gared: And it was booked before me. 

Chris: Also some dates on the Mono Inc. tour didn’t work out for traveling reasons.

Gared: Exactly. 

Chris: But ever since this hasn’t happen again. Just to shortly … for the nerds out there. Right. Sorry.

Pi: So they can’t troll around anymore. I like that. 

Nik: (62:18) ……………….("hergenommen" with a french accent??)

Pi: I don’t need to repeat that now, you know what I mean, we had a really beautiful cardboard standup, we still don’t know, where it ended up it the end.

Chris: Someone has contacted us and said, “I have it”. 

Pi: Okay! 

Nik: Please contact us again!

Gared: I think, meanwhile it is completely covered in sperm.

Chris: I think it was a couple, which took it with them. 

Pi: Anyway you went crowdsurfing during “Blood for Blood”, I think, which was very nice.

Nik: I can’t tell any more. 

Pi: and another nice memory from the Plage Noir Festival was the ring throwing game we played there.

Nik: Right! 

Pi: …which can be tracked in the TV of the Lost episode about that corresponding concert. 

Chris: Oh yeah! 

Pi: There were two bright pink or orange coloured willies, which Chris and me buckled on our hips, sort of classic strap ons.

(63:18)

Gared: Of course it was always just your own …………(inaudible)

Pi: ...and then we played that rings throwing game, like we used to play as children, with "real" (he means “normal”)  ring throwing games…

Gared: ...with real penises. For the catholics among you…(It’s a sarcastic reference to the cases of (sexual) child abuse within the institution of the catholic church)  

Pi: As everyone knows. We always played “swords” then. Show me your sword. Stab me. En garde! 

Gared: And then the sword goes back in the sheath. (pun: in German it’s the exact same word for sheath and vagina) 

Pi: Anyhow… that was a cool show! Which has got nothing to do with the fact, that you were not there, Gerrit. A cool show. 

Chris: Has the female sex organ been named after that sword thingie …or the other way around? Has the sheath been named after the vagina or the vagina after the sheath? 

Gared: We need to check that up. 

Chris: Just etymologically. 

Gared: If possibly in English that sword thing is called something like “sword cunt” – then maybe! 

Chris: Well no, that’s a really serious question here. Did they say, …

Pi: That’s for firearms. 

Chris: Has the word for vagina been there before the sword sheath existed? Or is it from a totally different origin? 

Nik: I was just going to say that... sheath... sheath...

Gared: I think, maybe it’s just a coincidence? 

Class: "Crossroad" ("Scheideweg") is also...

Chris: Is it just a coincidence that it’s the exact same word? 

Nik: Exactly.

Gared: But such a sword sheath is actually a narrow slit in which you insert something… and in a way it looks similar. 

Chris: That’s how I got that idea in the first place, I mean that totally serious. 

Gared: I also always try to approach such things seriously. 

Chris: Sword sheath or vagina. It is a very strange word for vagina anyway. Scheide. A strange word. But- s sheath.

Gared: Right. It’s a strange word… 

Chris: But ok. We’ll check that out and let you know about it next time.

Pi: Scheide. 

Nik: Or in English? Or one of you knows that. 

Pi: Write it in the commentary. 

Chris: Or one of you knows that. If one of you knows it, write it in the commentary, please, will you? 

Gared: And since it is not my turn any longer, I will go have a pee now. 

Nik: But you still need to say something!

Pi: No, I have to nominate someone, which is Nik. 

Chris: You have to nominate Nik. 

Someone *humming*  *whispering* Stadt-Land-backstage

Chris: Pi goes to the list. Stadt - - - Land - - - Backstage 

*Someone still humming that “time going by”-melody (the Jeopardy theme) again but slowly*

 

Chris: Guess the sound! Fuck. I thought, that might sound interesting somehow. 

Nik: No, it’s not… maybe, if you… wait a bit… I don’t know, how it behaves then? 

Chris: Are these the same beer bottles that you had for the recording…?

Pi: okay!

Nik: No. I want to try to do it right, which didn’t work out for Chris. So it really plops open. Watch out! No. It just doesn’t work. That could be, because mine’s finished already. 

Chris: That can be the reason, of course. 

Pi: So! Memmingen. 

Chris: What has that been again? 

Nik: Funny! That was the final show of the tour. Thornstar-Tour. That was cool. That was really cool. Wow. That was an experience. That was the last day of the Thornstar tour, the last day with Hell Boulevard, and… well, it was Fool’s Day! On the last day of the tour people play pranks. The Crews play pranks on the bands, the bands play pranks on the bands, the bands play pranks on the crews, everybody is playing pranks on each other. I remember we were walking around and had been wondering all day long already, what we could do about Hell Boulevard, to exhibit them. The most important thing about Fool’s Day is to think of something to surprise the band and to entertain both them and the audience… well, the band does not necessarily need to be entertained, in the end the people should have fun. But of course it may not have an influence on the band’s show. I remember that we went shopping. In Memmingen there was this sort of “Gangway” through the hall, like a long balcony, which was predestined to throw things down from there. Before we threw the… I think it was 32 rolls of toilet paper… pink toilet paper… and the 100 balloons, we busied ourselves in an improvised backstage lab, trying to simulate the colour and consistency of menstrual bleeding. 

Chris: Is that sexist? 

Pi: No, it’s totally natural. And totally icky. 

Nik: Exactly, it’s totally icky. 

Gared: If it’s icky, it’s not sexist. 

Chris: It has to be admitted – as there have actually been some “sexist!” comments to this – the “right” colour of the “menstrual bleeding” has been found by our female crew members, who have also enthusiastically taken part in that whole operation. 

Pi: They were very dedicated! 

Chris: Yes, there’s definitely some humorous women, who… 

Gared: I still don’t believe them to this day, that that crap is green! 

Chris: … with pleasure work for us. Crap isn’t green. 

Nik: But it was still incredibly funny to adulterate this together from tomato juice, cranberry juice and whatever we had there. 

Pi: I once had green crap, though. 

Gared: In the end the consistency wouldn’t have mattered at all. 

Nik: Exactly! So we “decorated” the stage with sanitary towels, which were soaked in that exact juice, which was pretty funny already; on the other hand it was also… you also have a party, as it’s the last day together, usually you “break up” with your support band on that evening, sometimes after such a tour everybody goes back home, which was not the case with us this time, we just went on, as the end of this tour marked the start of the festival season then. We still had a crazy farewell party, which began at noon already. That has to be admitted. 

Gared: Didn’t it actually start the night before already, talking about the activity you are driving at? 

Chris: Did I miss something?

Nik: Oh, did we do that the night before already?

Gared: I think, we did that the night before already.

Nik: Well, Jan, our dear camera operator, had the idea of the typical – what’s that called? -early 2000s-party- phenomenon “funnel booze” (it’s “doing beer bongs”, when you drink alcohol through a cone and tube)

Gared: Exactly! That day’s motto was …

(69:53)

Pi:  “funnelling”, beer bong or as I call it “rolfen”. (“Rolfen” is a verb version of the male name “Rolf”. Germans do that quite often, to make a verb out of a name, when name and activity are somehow connected by a cliché or someone, for example within a group of friends, does something all the time, so they give the activity the name of the person.)

Chris: Ok, I missed it somehow.

Gared: Yo, funnel time, open the maw, here comes the canned beer! 

Nik: Most of you might know it, the thing is to drink as much beer in as little as possible time.

Gared: Oh God. 

Pi: It's really stupid.

Nik: We did that, it was not smart, but it was very funny. Which counts for many things, actually.

Gared: Life as a musician, for example. 

Nik: On the next morning we actually…

Gared: ...regretted it. 

Nik: Nope, not that. But it was noticeable. It was really… 

Gared: Not only on the next morning. 

Nik: It has been a big thing.

Gared: It has been a par-tey. 

Pi: Memmingen.

Nik: AND I have yet another story about Memmingen, I don’t even know, if we… did we have to do that too? I have also been in Memmingen, in the Kaminwerk, with my former band, Erdling, and there we had to drink Schnapps after the show with the organizers. 

Gared: We didn’t have that. 

Nik: I think, it was called “Essacher Luft” (Essach air). It’s high-proof alcohol, sharp, but it’s also “sharp” because there’s all kinds of things, like pepper, chili etc in it. It really burns away everything. It was very nice, we were standing there with the organizer.

Chris: I think you’re leaning a bit too heavily on that table here…

Nik: Ok, so we were standing there with the organizer, they poured us a shot each, I think, I even have a video of that on some backup on my cell phone somewhere, I need to search for it at some point. 

Pi: I also have some videos.

(71:37)

Nik: I think I still have a cell phone video on some backup. I'll have to look for it some time.

Pi: ..............................

Gared: By the way, we've got some of all the funnel times. 

Nik: And I'll show it to all who are sitting here at the table, but we won’t show them to you out there. 

Gared: Nobody may ever see those. 

Nik: But I still have a video, where we all were drinking that Schnapps, and it was about like this: everyone was standing there, and everyone was singing *sings in drunk manner* - everyone takes his shot, it’s silent for a moment – 

Gared: And then you all threw up blood. 

Nik: It took maybe five seconds, then it started. *makes “catching breath/clearing throat/coughing” sounds*, like 10 people at the same time, 

Chris: Who has invented this?

Gared: That sounds like that weird “hidden track” on “Hooray for Boobies” by Bloodhound Gang. 

Nik: Exactly. It must have felt like that, when they recorded that. These are my memories concerning the Kaminwerk in Memmingen.

Gared: At least you still HAVE memories. 

Nik: I’m actually a bit astonished about it. 

Gared: I think, that’s just because there’s videos of it.

Nik: I’m afraid so.

Gared:  Otherwise we would never have been able to reconstruct it like that. 

Pi: oh well  *sings* Stadt-Land-Backstage.

Gared: What happens backstage, stays backstage!

Chris: I’m the last one.  

Nik: You’re the worst…eh, you’re the last one. (pun: in German only the article differs between “the last one” and “the worst”) – and I need to throw something to you (another pun: “jemandem etwas vorwerfen” means either “to  throw something to someone” as well as “to accuse someone of something”) 

Gared: Where do we start?

Nik: And I choose…ehm… 

Chris: This is an intervention. 

Nik: Well, where is, what is, when has been, what has been, where is anyway? 

Gared: There’s actually nothing funny happening with us

Nik: No, especially not with Chris. He’s so… boring. He doesn’t do something.. 

*Someone whistling the “time going by” melody again*

Class: That’s how it is. Which is ok. 

Nik: It’s really difficult.

Gared: Look at the list then!

Nik: No, I do know a lot. I take -Finland, Helsinki!

Chris: We already had that the last time. But I’ll try.

Nik: But there’s so many. 

Pi: There’s only one Helsinki. 

Chris: True. We’ve been there often.

Nik: There’s many times that we’ve been there. 

Chris: I think the last time I told how I found the hotel.

Pi: Yeah. 

Chris: What’s the first thing that comes to my mind? That again.

(73:39) 

Nik:  Ehm, the drive from Helsinki to St. Petersburg. 

Pi: Fuck!

Chris: Ok, I’ll take that one also! Sort of… Stadt-Land – in between the backstages.  

Pi: *sings* in between the backstages.

Gared: Stadt-Land-ROAD. 

Chris: I don’t remember, when it was, but it was some years ago, on the recent or the one before…

Class: 2019!

Chris: As so often, we went from Helsinki to St. Petersburg by car. Sometimes also the other way around, because it’s not worth it to take a hotel and then go to St. Petersburg very very early, the highways are usually less crowded at night also, so, you start off at midnight or something after packing etc, you start off at 1am maybe, it’s about a 3 hours drive to the border, there you have to wait a bit, and then there’s about an hour’s drive left or something to St. Petersburg. That works out pretty well usually. What suddenly started, was a blizzard, not necessarily a storm, but heavy snowfall, that got tighter and tighter. 

Nik: It was February, I think.

Chris: Yes. It got worse and worse. We were getting really hungry at 2am, went to Hesburger’s on the highway, which was completely empty, it looked like in a zombie movie. We waited like 80 minutes for our burgers, because there was only one person there, who was in charge of the gas station as well as the coffee counter as well as the Hesburger’s… and we were quite a few people. And the worst thing was… all of us pretty drunk, almost sleeping in the back of the car, I was sitting in front along with the driver and the tour manager -  the three of us, and I tried to keep the almost falling asleep driver from … so that I could take over the steering wheel, in case something happens. 

Gared: Were you sitting in the middle seat or on the side?

Chris: I was sitting on the side. But my arm is long enough. It was really very very uncomfortable, because there was more and more snow and he went faster and faster, 

Gared: and the potholes got deeper and deeper.

Class: and he got more and more tired.

Chris: he got more and more tired. It was pure horror. I think, my deo has never failed that quickly before. 

Gared: That’s why we in the back were all sleeping. We were …

Chris: And it took forever! Of course, he was driving really fast considering he was driving on snow, but it was still quite slow, and the break in between and the border, it all took time, it was bitterly cold, so we arrived at 7:30am or 8am …

Nik: No, we arrived at the hotel later, we could enter our rooms but did not even have time to take a shower in the end. 

Pi: We directly went to the club.

Nik: We directly went back out to the bus then and were taken to the venue. 

Chris: Didn’t we sleep for half an hour or something? 

Nik: I did not. 

Pi: I think, I slept an hour in total that night.

Chris: As I said, that was really tough. 

Nik: Class woke up during the drive… 

Pi: “COOOOLD!”

Class: Was it on that drive?

Nik: Yeah, it was that one. I had fallen asleep with my bottle of water in my hand and the lid had come off. 

Class: we were sitting next to each other. 

Chris: Since then we have decided to not play these two cities in a row at that time of the year. Except if there’s a totally different option to travel. Otherwise there has to be a day in between those cities. For that was really not nice. 

Nik: That was very tough.

Pi: It could have ended totally differently, and then we would not sit here now. 

Everyone: *approving* 

Gared: That also. 

Chris: To that extent: drive carefully, Class has already fallen asleep here while we were talking, there’ll be another day of songwriting camp tomorrow – and we’ll see you at some point soon at the next LordCast.

 Pi: When it goes again: "retarded troublemakers" and “Stadt-Land-Backstage!” 

Gared: Lord of the Lost – out! Mike-drop. 

 

 

Translation: Margit Güttersberger

Proofreading: Jari Winter, Elizabeth Czermack